You guys apparently enjoy pain. So, I've got just a few more jokes. WARNING: By the time I'm through, you may need a straight-jacket:
1) A drop-dead gorgeous redhead was sitting at the next table over from a guy, who to be polite had not been the least bit successful with women, though not from lack of trying. Suddenly the redhead sneezed and to the guy's utter amazement, a glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. "Oh, I'm so sorry" exclaims the redhead, as she popped it back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you" she says. So, they enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, after which they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talk and laugh. She shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. This goes on for some time with the beautiful redhead paying for everything. It's obvious to the guy that this is getting serious but he just can't understand why such a beautiful woman is interested in him. So, during the next date, he just had to ask her "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you always this nice to the guys you meet? She replies, "Actually, no, but (prepare yourself 'cause this is really bad) you just happened to catch my eye".
2) Two (2) fish swim into a concrete wall. One of the fish turns to the other and says, "Dam".
3) Two (2) hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first atom replies,"Yes, I'm positive".
4) Top ten (10) reasons a gun is favored over a woman:
10) You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9) You can keep one gun at home and have another for the road.
If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7) Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for backup.
6) Your gun will stay with you, even if you run out of ammo.
5) A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4) Guns function normally every day of the month.
3) A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2) A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND the # 1 reason a gun is favored my men over a woman
1) You can put a silencer on a gun.
5) Zen type thoughts for the day:
- It's always darkest before the dawn. So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.Teach him how to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- Good judgement comes from bad experience, most of which comes from bad judgement.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like the Force. It has both a light and dark side and it holds the universe together.
- We are all born naked, wet and hungry and we get slapped on our rear end....Then things get worse.
- Never, ever under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- There is a fine line between "hobby" and "compulsory mental illness".
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
6) Military thought for the day: "Remember that when you go into battle today, your weapons were made by the lowest bidder."
7) Hear about the woman who divorced her husband for religious differences. He thought he was God but she didn't.
Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
9) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
10) I have a college degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?
11) Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
12) Chinese proverbs:
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
13) A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother 'cause I still have mine".
WARNING: The next few jokes are politically incorrect BUT they are clean.
14) Told by an elderly gentleman in the 1st person: " The other day I went to town to run some errands. I went to the local Coffee Shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. However, when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insentivity annoyed me, so I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. Incensed, I proceeded to call him "a doughnut eating Gestapo". He finished the 2nd ticket and put it on the windshield with the 1st. Then he wrote a 3rd ticket, when I called him the winner of the Barney Fife look-alike contest. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him, the more tickets he wrote. To be truthful, I really didn't care. I came to town on the bus and the car that he was ticketing had a prominent bumper sticker that read Obama in '08."
15) New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, has gained much notoriety for his pre- and post-Katrina actions and comments. Soon after Katrina, Nagin was up for re-election. His rivals, now sensing that he was vulnerable, began to aggressively campaign against him. The excitement caused by this prompted a local station to sponsor a televised debate among all the candidates, including of course the current Mayor Nagin. As is typical during one of these debates, each of the candidate's is asked a question which does not pertain directly to the Mayor's race but rather sheds some light on their thought process. When asked by the debate moderator about his opinion on the "Roe vs Wade decision", Nagin responded, "I don't care how the people of New Orleans get back here, as long as they get back". (Note:This did not really happen, at least not yet).
