advice needed

[slim rem 7]

if a micro wave is set to run way longer than necessary .. will the card board dinners an such
just burn up the oxygen inside the micro wave and keep it from catching fire..
 three times now,, either her or my guardian angel have caused me to wake up in time, to
 catch it in time.. the regular oven is unplugged an she believes it is not working..
 this all happens in very early morning hrs.. several hrs before my normal wake up time..she just gets hungry..
 thanks for any advice..should i mabe trip the breaker switch before i sleep or leave for a few minutes for the mail etc..we don t have home mail delivery..thank slim
 ps did i just answer my own question.

[powderman]

SLIM. Would she remember if  YOU preset the micro for her? And all she had to do is pop it in and hit start??? Still praying friend. POWDERMAN. 

[Dee]

slim, my grandmother had dementia, and after getting up at 4:00AM for almost a century she continued to do so. Every morning at 4:45AM she would have 6 places set at the breakfast table. Each had a glass of milk, and all the toast that a loaf of bread would make. She left burners on, and ovens on, and water on, and on and on.
My wife and I pulled up in her yard one day, and she told me that Uncle George had just left, and he had a brand new wagon. I asked her if he had the same team, and she said yes. She remembered that team as if he had just left. Uncle George had been dead almost 50 years.
My point? Your perceived form of loyalty may get both of you hurt or worse. Loyalty my friend, is doing what is best for one whom cannot make those decisions any longer. A place where there is 24 hour care may be your best option, like it or not.
My grandmother, and our family was very fortunate when she decided to go see the family working in the fields and a neighbor picked her up and called us. You see, we have no fields. Farming ceased in our family over a half century ago. Think about it my friend. You would not be abandoning her. You would be doing what might be best for her. You are only one man, and you cannot be 100% 24-7.

[oldandslow]

Slim, I think you answered your own question. I also think Dee is giving you good advise. Your situation is only going to get worse. I know that isn't what you want to hear but it will happen.

[Dee]

It was a hard decision for my family concerning my grandmother, and recently it was an equally hard decision concerning my mother in law. Life can be cruel, and one simply has to "cowboy up", and say, Thy Will be Done Oh Lord.

[slim rem 7]

dee i love you brother.. a man that  says the truth, he believes, even its a hard truth, is a true rare,,man..
 if i can find a good facility,,that will let me stay with her most of the time mabe..
but right now i got a fear that terrifies me though..
 when those beautiful eyes look at me with betrayal in them..
 i don t know if i can do that yet..im just again telling the truth about myself..
 i ll be in worse shape than she ,,inside of a month..i may have to man up to what you say.. but i may as well die that day..they ll have her disability as im sure they can get it ,,much easier than i can..
 she would be taken care of as to physical needs.. but her spirit which she still has .. her spirit that shows fom her eyes,will die that day .. she won t be long behind it..
 i ll have to decide these things on my own an make the decisions on my knees. ,as im the one that has to try an carry that load the rest of my life..but thanks brother for your take on it..god bless yall.
 grey beard im sorry for taking your forem where its not intended to be ,,at least i would think..i meant this to be just advice about microwaves..love yall an gods will be done..thats the simple truth of it..slim
 don t worry dee imo be alright brother

[Questor]

Slim Rem 7:

I think it's time to talk with a professional. My mother-in-law is very old now and is prone to forgetting things in sometimes dangerous ways. I would like to be able to say that you should start by calling her doctor and asking for a reference to somebody that can help you work with this new reality. However, it is not necessarily that simple because it may lead to the county government becoming involved and institutionalizing your wife.

If you can find a nurse in your family or the spouse of someone in a similar situation, you should talk to them about creating a safe environment for a person with dementia. There are books on the subject too, but I can't give you a solid recommendation.

[williamlayton]

Dee nailed it.
My mother had to do it for my grandmother and was called all kinds of names but nobody would pony up to help out.
My sister and I had to do it for my mother--no name calling this time as it is a more understood problem.
You do it your way but there will come a time when the call must be made.
Don't let it get out of hand and destroy you---there is no gain in that for her.
I have told my children that if I get in that shape not to bear any guilt about what must be done. Put me somewhere, check and make sure I am warm, fed and not harmed and don't worry about visiting all the time---I will be in my own little world and won't know.
Blessings

[Questor]

My mother-in-law is still living at home. Fortunately she has a lot of family dropping by all the time, and a son living next door. We take turns staying with her. It's quite a job. More than one person can be expected to do.  

Have you looked at living in senior apartments, or something similar?

I like WilliamLayton's characterization of the issue.

This year we had our Christmas at Grandma's a bit differently. Instead of one big gathering we all went on different days. It makes sense to do that now because of the memory problems. I think she asked me at least ten times what the temperature was going to be that day. We just patiently answer as if it had never been asked before. Better to have a steady stream of people than one large gathering.

Some people in my family have been rather cruel in the sense that they don't want to be around a person in that condition. These same people talk to their dogs and cats as if the animal were more important than a mentally impaired person. We're talking about a human being experiencing a phase of life that many of us will experience.  It may challenge our instincts momentarily, but we must be kind and loving no matter what.

I offered to rework the downstairs of our house to suit my mother-in-law but the decision of her children was that she should live at home according with her wishes. Frankly I think her wishes then did not foresee the reality of today. My offer is still good, but I am not blood family and I have to defer to her children to decide.

[Sourdough]

You have a decision to make, and only you can make it.  In the mean time when you go to bed at night trip the breakers to the kitchen.  Yes that will shut off the frig, but if no one opens it during the night it will stay cold.  Flip the breakers back on when you get up.  That way the microwave won't catch fire.  Same thing for toasters and waffle irons, or anything else that might cause a fire.

My father has Dementia, and my Mother has been caring for him now for several years.  Within the last few months it has gotten harder for her.  He no longer knows people that he grew up with.  In the morning he now goes outside and pees on a tree, just like he did growing up in the Holler.  This really bothers my Mom, but she can't seem to get up in time to stop him.  Dad no longer knows his Grandsons.  Yet Dad is spry and physically able to do as he pleases.  Mom has trouble getting around.  Dad does all the cooking, with her sitting and telling him every move to make. 

When I get back there in two weeks, my brother Rob and I are going to talk to Mom and the other brothers.  We have to do something, because Mom is not physically able to watch him any more.  Plus Mom is beginning to forget things too.  But putting them in a nursing home will present a whole new problem.



Had a friend in DC who's wife developed Dementia.  Every morning for the 50+ years they had been married, she got up and took a shower.  Then she went outside and watered her flowers.  Then one morning he got a call from a neighbor, saying he needed to bring his wife inside.  She had forgotten to get dressed before she went outside to care for her flowers.  This happened several more times during the month.  She had always been an early riser and he had not.  He was at a loss as to what to do with her.  Neighbors were threatening to call the police, if he did not stop her.  Another close friend convinced him to move into the clothing optional (nudist) community where he lived.  You did not have to go nude, but no one cared if you did.  After that when she forgot her clothes no one cared.  And all the people in this little close knit gated community knew her and watched out for her.  When she wandered away, they made sure she got back home. 

I'll never forget how when I went over to visit one afternoon.  This little old lady came up to me as I was walking up her drive.  She started telling me how nice the people around here are.  But you got to be careful, some of the residents forget to put clothes on.  It's down right shameful she said, and her standing there naked as the day she was born, and not realizing it.   

[slim rem 7]

thanks so much for the advice fellas..
 my side  buisiness after my reg job ,was lawn care.. it evolved into a service dedicated to
helping old folk stay in thier homes longer.. my customers were almost exclusively old folks who
didn t have sons or sonsinlaws to fix things that were important to them.. about the only thing i wouldn t do was electrical work..i knew how..but the ramifications could have been bad for me..if the house burnt down one night..i knew how to do it safely but that wouldn t have done me no good..
 ive done things as simple as set mouse traps around ,,to fixing a weak place in a door way an just about anything else..i often thought ..i called my buisiness problem solvers for the elderly..theres some fixes were
heaven sent to my mind,,as i didn t consider myself that swift..
 now last nite i went in there an fixed it so it won t run unless im around..something similar to what sourdough said ,,but leaving the power on to every thing else...if she ever get to the point of going outside nude ,,or anything..i ll have to solve that problem in his given inspiration at that time..i don t trust my own wisdom but his..thanks for everyones input.. thats what i ask for,,and i appreciate it more than you know.. slim.
ps she don t like not having a micro wave but made her understand, i had to do something to it to make it safe .. she understands im the fixer so she accepts it with grumbling ,about its time to buy another one..
 one of the hardest things for me is lieing to my wife..but its necessary now an always will be ,probably..
 one other thing,,needs to be understood.. the grief will kill me when i do have to put her in a home..
 so possibly im just not up to doing whats right ..or mabe im gonna be up to this task of keeping her happy
until the end.. for me or her..god will help me .. possibly through you fellas wisdom..ive cared for two alzhiemers loved ones .. this while helping my dear sister mary care forem.. id go in an givum some week ends off..
 but im realitively sound of mind an body,and this ain t my mom or dad..what would i do with my time if id ducked this job ..in my present state of health..its a calling from god and i believe is the one of the reasons ,,god put us togather to begin with..again thanks to everyone.. including my father in heaven ,who deemed me worthy of this task..