Need some help on disipline for other peoples children.

[crustaceous]

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. -- Psalm 137:9 

The only thing you have control of is your relationship with the kids. You can provide them with a valuable lesson: To some people no means no and stop means stop.
Next time you get together take a minute to convey your expectations, establish the rules and get their acknowledgement before you commence wrasslin and brawlin.
Keep in mind that if you're going to rough house with the kids you've got to realise that you've got them all amped up, they're having a ton of fun, and it takes a little bit to calm them down.

Other than that I'd forget about it because what's a family get together without the time honored tradition of some inter personal conflict?

[powderman]

DEE. You were  right, counting to 3 is STOOOOOPID. A grandson was misbehaving, I told him to stop, he didn't, I smacked him on the butt. He hollered out, HEY YOU FORGOT TO COUNT. I don't count. Giving a count whether 3-10 simply conditions them to continue in what they are doing til the count is over, even longer for some folks. POWDERMAN. 

[Heather]

If it was me and my kids wrestling around which it often is and I say stop and they don't stop the first time they get laid out on the floor not a grab on the arm.  Can I post that here?  Will DHR be beating down my door?  *Note I do have martial arts training so I can bring them to the ground without any serious danger or injury*  Anyway when game time is over it is over no saying it over and over again.

Heather

[JonnyC]

DEE. You were  right, counting to 3 is STOOOOOPID. A grandson was misbehaving, I told him to stop, he didn't, I smacked him on the butt. He hollered out, HEY YOU FORGOT TO COUNT. I don't count. Giving a count whether 3-10 simply conditions them to continue in what they are doing til the count is over, even longer for some folks. POWDERMAN. 

PM- Did he know your rules before you smacked him. Maybe he is used to the count and didn't know your rules. I believe in following rules and being consistant as long as everyone knows the rules from the start.

[SM Bob]

I remember Bill O'Riely saying one time, "My Dad didn't have "time out", he had a knock out!"
All of that "time out" and "I'm going to count to..." nonsense is absolutely worthless.
Every parent that I have seen use these ridiculous methods had their kids play them
like a fiddle! They have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you mean absolute
150% business when you tell them to do or not do something, and if they don't go
along with the program it will be quite painful sitting down for the next few hours.
It doesn't take long for them to realize it is a whole lot easier and way more productive
if they behave themselves and act like gentlemen and ladies, not animals.  




                                               Robert

[45-70.gov]

DEE. You were  right, counting to 3 is STOOOOOPID. A grandson was misbehaving, I told him to stop, he didn't, I smacked him on the butt. He hollered out, HEY YOU FORGOT TO COUNT. I don't count. Giving a count whether 3-10 simply conditions them to continue in what they are doing til the count is over, even longer for some folks. POWDERMAN. 

PM- Did he know your rules before you smacked him. Maybe he is used to the count and didn't know your rules. I believe in following rules and being consistant as long as everyone knows the rules from the start.

and  all  kids  KNOW  that  a first time  offender  is given  a break  in  court
get  them  used  to  that   rule at  an early age

rough  houseing  is  good  for  them
my boys  when  in  high school  play  tackle  the man  with  the  ball
i told  them  i was  going  to walk  across  the  field with  the  ball  then  quit
there  was  new  found  respect  for the  old man
i  don't  care  what  mothers  say
and  they  don't  under stand  why  kids  love  the mean  old  man

[powderman]

jonnyc. Rules??? I'm the adult, not him. He wasn't hurt, only his pride. Adults make rules, kids have to learn them. Without rules kids have no guidance or direction in life. Giving a count conditions them that no action is or will be taken til the count is up. I've learned from experience that most adults who give counts usually don't do what they say they will and many, if not most, have some real brats. Consistency is imperative raising kids. Don't say it if ya don't mean it. If ya say it, do it. Make rules fairly. Reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour, really pretty simple, but the main thing is be consistent. I have 2 grandkids I don't even want to visit, they're brats. I've told their mother to make em mind or don't bring them around me. I refuse to be disrespected in my own home. POWDERMAN. 

[SM Bob]

jonnyc. Rules??? I'm the adult, not him. He wasn't hurt, only his pride. Adults make rules, kids have to learn them. Without rules kids have no guidance or direction in life. Giving a count conditions them that no action is or will be taken til the count is up. I've learned from experience that most adults who give counts usually don't do what they say they will and many, if not most, have some real brats. Consistency is imperative raising kids. Don't say it if ya don't mean it. If ya say it, do it. Make rules fairly. Reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour, really pretty simple, but the main thing is be consistent. I have 2 grandkids I don't even want to visit, they're brats. I've told their mother to make em mind or don't bring them around me. I refuse to be disrespected in my own home. POWDERMAN. 

+1 Powderman
Can you believe some of these parents today? Their kids run the show! "Well, he doesn't
want that." "I asked her to do something, and she said she'd do it later." I mean in some
instances we are talking about 4 and 6 year old kids here! When my daughter
was younger and pulled this kind of stuff I told her in no uncertain terms that, It is me, not
you, that pays the bills here. It is me, not you, that puts food in your mouth, clothes on
your back, and a roof over your head. I am your Dad and I'm responsible for you. Therefore
I make the rules in my home, and nobody, I don't care who, will tell me what to do,
especially a young kid like you. Now, if you want to pay all the bills, buy all the food, do all the
cooking, buy all the clothing, and take care of all the transportation for the household,
then, and only then, you can make the rules. Until then I'm in charge. Any questions?

                              Robert 

[45-70.gov]

jonnyc. Rules??? I'm the adult, not him. He wasn't hurt, only his pride. Adults make rules, kids have to learn them. Without rules kids have no guidance or direction in life. Giving a count conditions them that no action is or will be taken til the count is up. I've learned from experience that most adults who give counts usually don't do what they say they will and many, if not most, have some real brats. Consistency is imperative raising kids. Don't say it if ya don't mean it. If ya say it, do it. Make rules fairly. Reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour, really pretty simple, but the main thing is be consistent. I have 2 grandkids I don't even want to visit, they're brats. I've told their mother to make em mind or don't bring them around me. I refuse to be disrespected in my own home. POWDERMAN. 

+1 Powderman
Can you believe some of these parents today? Their kids run the show! "Well, he doesn't
want that." "I asked her to do something, and she said she'd do it later." I mean in some
instances we are talking about 4 and 6 year old kids here! When my daughter
was younger and pulled this kind of stuff I told her in no uncertain terms that, It is me, not
you, that pays the bills here. It is me, not you, that puts food in your mouth, clothes on
your back, and a roof over your head. I am your Dad and I'm responsible for you. Therefore
I make the rules in my home, and nobody, I don't care who, will tell me what to do,
especially a young kid like you. Now, if you want to pay all the bills, buy all the food, do all the
cooking, buy all the clothing, and take care of all the transportation for the household,
then, and only then, you can make the rules. Until then I'm in charge. Any questions?

                              Robert 

''its  me that  does  it  all''   etc  etc

in  so  many  families the  parrents  can't  say that any  more
the  democrats  pay  their  bills  with  my  money

[powderman]

SM BOB. Good post Sir, I agree. I personally saw a lady a few years back at an apt complex I worked at tell her 9 yr old daughter to come upstairs for lunch, brat said no. She repeated it and the brat said F     you. Mom got a belt, came down and smacked her 1 time on the butt, not back or legs, and took her upstairs. 15 min later the cops came and arrested her for child abuse, somebody turned her in. She went to court and the judge asked her if she was aware that she had committed child abuse. She said NO your  honor, I did not. She then quoted the Bible and stood her ground. The judge dismissed her case. Should never have gone to court. POWDERMAN. 

[teddy12b]

**Update**  An informal survey conducted by a neutral third party without my knowledge uncovered that the family members who actually saw the incident saw nothing wrong with it.  The neutral person called everyone at the scene of the "grab heard round the world" and asked people what they thought.  One of the people thought I should have gone further, with fewer warnings.   Hmmm, I'm starting to not feel bad about this one bit. 

I have to admit that what I am liking the best is all the quotes from the Bible that have come up here.  Could we list some more of those?  Most of these people I run into always have some quotes from a new book they just read and I'd like to be able to point them in the direction of what the good book says.

Thanks again for all the great advice and support.  You all have been very good shoulder for me to lean on during all this family "drama queen" crap.

[nw_hunter]

Hello,
     I was at a family get together tonight and I was playing with my nephew & his cousin ( 6 years old & 8 ).  When it was time to quit wrestling around I told the boys we were done.  They tried to keep playing around and I had to tell them several times to knock it off and that we were done.  About the fifth time of me saying we were done I had to individually grab the boys arms firmly and in a tougher voice tell them that we were done.  Half the family was there and watched the whole thing they didn't say anything to me about playing to rough or about grabbing there arms.  A little while later the Mom/Aunt wanted me to apologize to the boys because they were upset about the whole thing.  One was crying, the other was completely silent so I could tell them I was sorry if I grabbed them too hard.  Well, then the mom/aunt got upset at me because I told the kids no and some harsh words were said by both parties.  Now everyone seems to be pretty upset about the whole thing and it's a guarantee for drama in the family now.

    Is it wrong to grab a kids arm and firmly tell them no after 4 or 5 times of telling them no nicely?  I just get so tired of being the bad guy for telling the children no.  One of them has already been kicked out of one school for not listening to anyone and I don't know how to help the kid.  I want to be a fun uncle, but at the same time I'm not being a good uncle if I let the kid grow up and be disrespectful or not obey any rules.  It's pretty well understood in the community that all these kids missbehave and the parents are especially sensitive about any criticism.  I don't want to make things worse, but I don't know what I can do to make things better.

    Especially all you parents out there, what do you all think?  Am I the worst uncle in the world?

Back when I was a child, this wouldn't need to be addressed!
When a child was told to stop what ever they were doing...."IT Stopped"

That was back when Napoleon was a corporal
My dad only had to give me, or my siblings a stern look to stop us dead in our tracks. With my Mother, we had more time to stop, but not a lot.
I found this to be true with most adults back then. (The 50's)

If I was rough housing at a neighbors, and told to stop and didn't, I would be sent home and my Pal would probably get a good paddling for it.

That was yesterday, before Oprah and Dr Phil! Back when parents and others were allowed to discipline children.
With today's ridicules laws, this can get a person (especially a man) in trouble.
 I guess in your case I would have ask the parents to get control of their children, or to take their house apes and go home. If they were in their home, then I would leave.

[teddy12b]

Quote:
"Back when I was a child, this wouldn't need to be addressed!
When a child was told to stop what ever they were doing...."IT Stopped"


That's how it was for me growing up in the 80's.  I was actually just talking with my parents last night about a time I did something wrong and they went through the roof getting mad at me.  I thanked them for it because I think I'm a well adjusted guy and I have an amazing relationship with my wife and we're on the same page about how we're going to raise our children using the "old school" ways of disipline.  They taught me right from wrong and I couldn't be more thankful for it.

This incident happened at another members home and people who were upset about incident promptly stomped there feet and left.  The party went on without any issues.

[rex6666]

Teddy
I have a friend that has 10 year old that does not mind any one, not
even her mother, the father can control her but barely, this is a 10 year old.
should have been taught better by now. We were talking about the child
one day and i ask what they planned to do when she was 16-17, i was
told she was just going through a phase and would change. I ask why
would she change she has never been taught any better, the father seemed
to agree, the mother jumped wild and said i had no right, to which i agreed.
The father and i are OK as long as the mother is out of sight and will agree
something needs to be done. I have decided some folks should not have children
i know how this woman was raised and she was raised right. All i can say
is try to stay quit about it, and be a goo uncle to the kids, and remember
some folks just shouldn't have kids.

[gypsyman]

My oldest son, was born on Halloween. My wife decided, on his 8th birthday, to have a birthday/Halloween party at our house. What a mistake. Somewhere between 15 and 18 kids,7 to 9 years old, all on sugar highs.(to this day, I don't know how many there were, as they all ran around so fast, I couldn't count them!)Some how, half way thru this ''party''(experience from hell), I was the only adult in the basement watching these little heathans. Since I had hidden the dart board, and checked around for any other sharp objects, and cordoned off my reloading area, I thought, what the heck, let them run around and make noise. In less than 5 minute's, my blood pressure doubled. 3 boys were having a wrestling match on the concrete floor, 3 others, including my 4 year old at the time, were haveing race's around the pool table, when one of them cracked his head on the corner,(I think it knocked some sense into him, as he slowed down some.  When it finally got to a crescendo, and my nice voice left me. An extremely loud version of,''Hey you little bastards, knock it off!!'' came out of me. All the kids came to a complete stop, one little boy looked like he was going to pee his costume, and within 3 seconds, my wife and 2 mothers came running down the stairs. My wife asked me if everything was all right. I looked around and said, it is now. Grabbed a beer out of the 'frig, took the dogs, and went outside and sat at the picnic table. When the party broke up, one of the mothers came over to me and apologized, and said, if her son ever caused any problems, she'd take care of the matter.(butt whipen time is what she said) And one of the other mothers, just gave me an evil stare as she left.(I raised my bottle of beer,2nd one, and told her to have a nice night)
Teddy, look at it this way. You probably did those kids a favor. Their going to find out sooner or later, life isn't always sugar and spice. And as far as the mother/aunt goes, they are always going to look at those boys as their baby's. And your just giving them a little of life's experience's. Their not going to be around all the time, to protect their little one's. Either that, or their going to grow up and become Democrats.   gypsyman

[teddy12b]

LOL, she did vote for Obama, but that's another topic.  It's highly likely that these two boys will end up being democrats.

Anyway, I'll get back to the subject.  Things are finally starting to calm down a bit and more understanding is being had by all.  This has brought up more issues as it was the tip of the iceberg in many respects.

[ironglow]

Sure they will be Democrats; they are spoiled, rebellious and unruly aren't they?

[torpedoman]

   There is nothing wrong with the kids. They are doing what they are allowed to do all the time. They are a product of poor parenting.

YEP they don't know better because the PARENTS don't teach them any better.

[ironglow]

Teddy;
    The rod & rebuke gives wisdom; but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.  (Prov 29:15)
    Chasten thy son while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction.  (Prov 19:18)
    Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul. (Prov 29:17)
    Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. (Prov 22:15)

    And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath: but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
       
      (NKJV version)

     Perhaps Teddy, it would be worth your time to give a quick study of the book of Proverbs, much info on raising children there. Before the nay-sayers jump in however, there are some very stringent and seemingly cruel measures outlined that no longer apply under the new covenant. This is a different age , different needs, but the basic rules of raising children is still very valid.
    Throughout the Bible, fathers are held responsible for the upbringing of their children...so it appears the marriage that produced these children is off to a misguided start. The father should have disciplined those kids, without regard for the mama....other than for not being UNDUELY harsh.
   You can't help them much, but just remember that if you are not yet married or not with children yet..that you will start off on the correct footing. The Bible is 5,000 years of wisdom in one package; no such Johnny-come-lately as Dr Spock or other pop-culture child raising specialists can match that record of experience.
     BTW: I would not confide greatly with those who came to you privately, saying you were correct. They may have been serious, but then again they may be "sympathizing" both sides of the fence. If they were sincere, the time to speak was at the time of the incident.

[WylieKy]

In my experience, most children will know when you mean what you say as long as you are completely calm and quiet.  Not second guessing you, but the first couple of times you said "Stop" were you laughing or smiling, then became progressively more annoyed???  Children are a lot like dogs in that they understand body language, tone, and overall demeanor more than what is being said.  Any excitement at all on your part (amusement, annoyance, being uncomfortable with the situation, etc...) can be misconstrued by children.  My daughter is 5 going on 6 and has been spanked 3 times ever and not in the last 2 years.  I believe in spanking, don't get me wrong, but you just don't have to do it if you have the correct attitude.

There are a couple of....unruly children in my family/friend circle.  Even the worst of them listens to me and I have never, not one time, had to raise my voice or lay on hands.  I WOULD if I needed to and give off those vibes without being menacing. It is a knack that a few people in my family have.  My father, my aunt, and myself can stop a charging hellion in mid-tantrum with 2-4 calm, quite words (they look up wide eyed and quiet) where my mother, for example, can scream at the top of her lungs and/or spank and no one pays her any mind...unless I'm there.

Oh... and by the way... I'll discipline (minus spanking) any child that comes into my realm of influence.  I think that you were completely justified in your actions, and just wanted to bring up the above.  My motto is simple...  Control your children...or I will.