HOW THE ILLUMINATI ROBBED ME OF A DEER
Inasmuch as deer season is about to end and all the venison in my freezer is of last years vintage, I would like to take a moment to explain why I got skunked.
First of all, it wasnt my fault.
Im not exactly sure whose fault it was, but I know it wasnt mine.
Its never my fault.
Always remember that.
Having established whose fault it wasnt, Id now like to affix blame.
It was George W. Bush.
Im not sure why its his fault, but Ive watched just enough of these Democrats campaigning for president to know that its always Bushs fault no matter what it is.
Plus, there is the incontrovertible fact that I got deer almost every year during the Clinton presidency.
Beyond the obvious George W. Bush I think I can also blame it on Chris, James and Dennis. These are the other three guys who hunt where I hunt. They all got deer. Which I think is pretty greedy. Clearly, there were only three deer in the woods and these three killed them all without any regard for my interests.
Fortunately, there was some trickle-down venison.
I think El Nino shares in some responsibility for my misfortune. Im not exactly sure what El Nino is, but one time when it was really cold out the weatherman said it was because of El Nino. And it was cold this deer season.
And, as a hunter, I find that I dont do as well when its unusually cold. Mostly because I tend to stay inside. And, naturally, there arent many deer in my living room.
Though if there had been any, I probably would have been ready.
Blame also falls with the New England Firearms company. Ive used one of their shotguns for most of a decade and it was always pretty accurate. Then this year it missed. I think they call that planned obsolescence. (For those of you following along at home, Id like you to know that I spelled obsolescence without having to look it up.)
Anyway, clearly these New England people make their shotguns to start missing after 10 years, so youll have to buy another one.
I think theyve got Remington in on it with them. For years their Copper Solids have hit dead on, but I fired one this year and it missed. I figure it must have been a bad batch.
It was the deer and me and the gun and the shell and I heard a big noise and this is the part I hate nothing happened. The deer kind of looked at me, flipped me off, and ambled into the brush.
Which is way off script.
The way I had things planned, I see Bambi, the planets line up just so, ka-boom, Bambi lies down and becomes breakfast sausage and a pair of really soft slippers.
But that didnt happen this year.
Because of my darned kids. If they didnt have so many games and lessons and other stuff going on, Id have been able to be a recluse out in the woods instead of doing fun stuff with them.
Oh, sure, Im proud of them, but where would you rather be cheering at some basketball game or kneeling in the snow up to your elbows in deer guts?
Selfless father that I am, I chose the warm gymnasium over the wintry woods. And Bambi lives to tell about it.
Id also like to blame the McDonalds corporation.
Because of my addiction to filet of fish sandwiches, I repeatedly stopped at McDonalds when I should have been out in the woods. Its just one more example of a giant corporation screwing over the little guy in a quest for profits.
Dr. Seuss is another culprit. If hed never written that Cat in the Hat book I wouldnt have been tempted to spend Saturday afternoon in a matinee instead of in a tree stand.
My Internet addiction also holds me back. Maybe if I had one of those palm things I could be in the woods and check e-mail.
Of course, it goes without saying that SUVs played a major role in my misfortune. With these gas-guzzlers lumbering down the road, half the deer got thumped up onto the shoulder to bloat and draw flies instead of get turned into jerky at my house.
What I need is a lawyer.
Because I got robbed. I deserve a deer and the misdeeds of various people, weather phenomenon, products, political parties, big-government policies, royal families, discredited birth-control devices, silicone breast implants, giant corporations and new-age religions conspired together to deprive me of it.
Because theres no way it was my fault.
- by Bob Lonsberry © 2003
