Andy Rooney on MuzzleloadingMuzzleloading is a peculiar thing; when I was a boy muzzleloading meant something you did to a dog with an anger management problem. Now, I guess it a type of rifle you can load from one end. Last time I checked, most rifles can only be loaded from one end. Must mean which end is up, I really don’t know.
Maybe they were invented for something new to argue about, like this traditional versus new-fangled inline thing. I used to make blowguns years ago, nothing but a needle and some tape around it, pushed into the end of a piece of conduit. It killed a few rats, but now I guess it was both an inline and not a muzzleloader. I never though it was new-fangled, but my parents thought it was fangled, at least. It was effective if you were born with a lot of hot air. I was, I suppose, and that’s why it was a good rat-killer. That’s what all these nutty ads are full of, making toast out of cape buffalo at 200 yards and such. Just how does a water buffalo go well with peanut butter and jam, anyway? I think these ad copy fellows would be better off killing rats.
They sell these things called “starter kits” at wacky prices. I like starter kits, a set of jumper cables and a bottle of liquid Heet can at least get you started sometimes. These muzzleloaders don’t rxactly start up with their “special” starter kits, though. Some little things are missing—like powder, bullets, and percussion caps. They tell you to measure your powder by volume, not by weight. I guess it’s like breakfast cereal in reverse? Those starter kits don’t give you anything to start measuring your powder with. Looks like they only thing they really want to start is emptying my wallet.
Knight Rifles is a funny company. The talk about these “red full plastic jacket things.” They are not full when you get them, and they are never even full when you use them. The only thing that is ever full is your garbage can, if you use enough of them. At least they got the color right, though. These Knight people do a real nice thing though: they give you a 2-1/2” accuracy guarantee. That’s nice. It would be nicer yet if they told you what kind of bullet and powder gave you that guaranteed accuracy. Must be like all those guaranteed weight loss systems. They haven’t worked for me, but they just gave the guarantee, didn’t say exactly what I needed to be fed. Don’t know exactly what to feed that Knight, but I feel very good that I now have a guarantee. My life insurance policy is guaranteed to pay off, too, but somehow I don’t think I’ll live to see the day.
Connecticut Valley Arms is a peculiar one. I suppose there could be a valley by that name in Spain, I can’t say for sure. This Optima, Apex, and FireBolt stuff sounds interesting: those are the names I’d pick if I was starting a prophylactic company. Either way, sounds like there is some screwing going on.
There’s Remington, “America’s Oldest Gunmaker.” That’s a hot one. Eliphalet Remington II made a few barrels back in 1816, but those Remingtons never made a single gun until 1848. Christian Sharps already had a patented breechloader by then. My old pals Horace Smith and Daniel Wesson were making guns before that, before they partnered up in 1852. My friends at Springfield Armory introduced their 1795 Springfield Flintlock musket, coincidentally in 1795. Don’t argue with me about this stuff, I was actually there. Danny Wesson hated rats as much as I do.
I’m also trying to find out what “Traditions Performance Firearms” is all about. Maybe it’s the tradition of importing cheap stuff from overseas you’ve never used, marking it up, and reselling it? They must be okay, they don’t say what kind of performance, anyway. “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” was a film Bill Fields starred in. He was one heck of a juggler, too.
This Doc White character is a pleasant fellow. I like reading about all this neat stuff like planometry, triangulating recoil, and truncating lands. I’m not a rifle builder, but it seems to me if you built a land the right way to start with, you wouldn’t have to go back and truncate the damn thing. Somebody told me you have to have a PHD in order to understand his book. Well, I have a PHD, and I can’t make sense out of any of it at all. Maybe he’s joking around, as he does look a bit like Dan Ackroyd. Only thing I can figure out is that with all this stuff like PowerStar, PowerPunch, PowerLube, and PowerGrip—this Doc fellow has got to be one heck of a professional wrestler. These things are obviously devastating submission holds.
All this sealed action stuff has got me bothered a bit. If this stuff is sealed, why is that it all leaks stuff somewhere? This kind of bothers me. I'm glad they don't make my coffee cups or hot water bottles. They all drone on about “easy cleaning.” Where I come from, if you don’t want to clean it—you are just better off not getting it dirty in the first place. Intriguing things, these muzzleloaders.
Savage is what we used to call Indians while we killed their buffalo and stole their land. When I think of Indians, I think of smoking peace pipes and sending smoke signals. Now, a company called “Savage” with a war-bonneted Indian as a logo has a muzzleloader that does not smoke. It sounds like either something that needs batteries, or Sitting Bull without the “sitting” part. Must be a good thing though, because it has a lot of competitors mad at them. That’s always a good sign; that should keep these Savage people busier than a set of jumper cables at a Puerto Rican picnic. Just hope people don’t kill more buffalo with them, though. Let’s all do some good and get back after those rats.
One of the biggest names in blackpowder over the last years is Hodgdon Powder, “The Brand That’s True.” The only thing I read that’s true is that Hodgdon hasn’t been selling any blackpowder for years. Except for the blackpowder they stick on the end of pelletized powder that they do not truly admit is just blackpowder. What is the deal with “pelletized powder,” anyway? I looked it up; they just can’t be both at the same time. Not truly. I wonder what rabbit pellets are other than pelletized rabbit food at one time? It’s weird, okay, never mind.
All this muzzle talk has got me hungry, so I’m going to eat this sandwich my daughter just brought in, and shove it into my old muzzle. When I get home, I’m going to make another blowgun, there are still plenty of rats around. There’s an old copy of National Geographic around my office, so I can study some traditional designs this time. Maybe I can wear funnier clothes than I already do. This muzzleloading muzzle-jumbo is all smoke and mirrors, and that reminds me of the famous words of Houdini—the guy who looked a lot like Tony Curtis. Houdini said,
“They can put me in jail if they want to, but they can’t keep my face from breaking out.” This looks like a good sandwich.
©2004 Randy Wakeman
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Andy Rooney
