John (Moses Browning)
1. In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was the pistol, and it was good.
And behold the Lord said, thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for
it is good and it worketh. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons,
from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.
2. And shouldst thou muck with it and hang all manner of foul implements upon
it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in
the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.
3. And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the
word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did
place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their
metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their
clearness of mind being clouded by lust.
4. Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did
so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst
charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field
worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst
render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.
5. And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto
the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero when thou dost need true aim.
And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in
the great battle.
6. And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man
and didst cause, as he hadwarned, fearful malfunction to come upon the
abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.
7. Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the underworld
did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made
of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the
eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy
vast quantities of them.
8. And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these
plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck
much with the design, and lo these pistols did function.
9. And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both
cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.
10. But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and did proceed to
shoot themselves with the plastic pistol, and with the trigger cocking pistols
for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since
forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces
for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.
11. And when man had been totally ensnared with plastic pistol, the lord of the
underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-BOOM to descend upon man and
the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great
wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.
12. Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was
truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the
form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who
didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the
amazement of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had intended.
13. And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from
the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits
which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were
sent to the place of eternal damnation by the followers of John.
