My daughter hit the wall. Hard.

[Conan The Librarian]

My daughter is in her first semester of college, and hads a significant bill that needs to be paid. My wife and I have been asking her how we can help her pay the bill, we have all the money needed, but she hangs up the phone on my wife and speaks unintelligibly to me. I think she's just going to have to get kicked out of school to get that solid dose of reality she apparently needs. She can't return to my house, we tried to help her but she refuses, she's going to be on her own soon.


My son has  done fine, but she's about to crash and burn.

[Lon371]

 My oldest did about the same. She was living with her boyfriend and quit going. Then she found out she owes a bunch of schollership money. One thing lead to another, then had to file bankrupcy at 22!  Fortunately my boy now in college, still lives at home and has a full time job. It dont pay much but enough to get by. He is just in his second year but so far all is good. Sometimes I do wonder how some kids make it without help.


Lonny

[Conan The Librarian]

Sounds familiar.  In my daughters case, the money is there for the asking. But as they say, you cant fix stupid.

[PowPow]

My daughter went to college for a year before she was convinced it wasn't for her. She was enrolled for one more semester to convince us. I would like her to have a college degree. She moved to New England and works as a waitress, and has a very large community of friends who look out for each other. From time to time, I ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, and she honestly doesn't know yet. I am glad she didn't go through all my money trying to figure it out. One thing I have figured out is that she measures her success by relationships rather than by accomplishments. Hard for me to comprehend but I'm getting there.

My son is a good student, works hard at it, should graduate pretty close to schedule. I'm concerned that he is driven more to avoid failure rather than a desire to succeed. Now he is second guessing his choice of major. I think he is a little burned out on school.  Gave him a "light at the end of the tunnel" pep talk over the holidays. Hope it lasts through finals.

It was easier when all you had to do was keep them from tripping and hitting their head on the corner of the coffee table.

[Lon371]

PowPow


 I didn't bring up my younger daughter. But she waitressed, then went to a community college got her CNA. Plan was to get RN later thry work. Went to work at a senior care facility. Liked most things about the job. But kept getting emotionally envolved and quit. Now she is back to working tables in a big steak house. Makes better money than CNA and has the CNA job to fall back on if needed. I dont like her choice, but with elder care sometimes there is death. That part she just cant handle.


My older daughter I spoke of in other post. She has started taking education courses now. Hoping to be a teacher someday. But doing it at a community college, where she can do it at a slower pace.


Lonny




Lonny

[blind ear]

It is hard to get them to make a decision as to what "they" wan't to do. That was been the only thing that has ever worked in getting my kids to accomplish anything. Being broke and stuck at the house seems to help. Never would put up with bitching and whineing. ear

[Sourdough]

My oldest refused to go on to school after high school.  He felt only Stupid people went to college.  (His words not mine)  But today he knows the error of his ways.  It took almost ten years of making every mistake possiable before he saw the light.  He has told his kids they are going to college, period.  We'll see.

But my youngest graduates from the University Of Alaska, Fairbanks, in May.  He spent his first year trying to get picked up on the University Hockey team, and his studies sort of slipped.  Now he wishes he had not done that, is cost him an extra year.  He started out wanting to be a Psychologist like Dr Phil.  Then he changed to Psychiratry.  Then off to Geology, he thought rocks and how they were formed were cool.  Then he went to Biology, leaning towards Wildlife.  Then one evening he told me he was changing to Micro-Biology.  He said Wildlife Biologist were everywhere, poorly paid, worked only for the Federal Government,  or State Governments. With little advancement.  All were highly competative.  (He had done his homework)   But with Micro-Biology there were positions with private industry, and all kinds of research projects,  as well as the government (germ/biological warfare).  That is the way he wanted to go finally.  Most kids change their major three to five times I'm told by counselors.  He has been picked up on a research project already.  He is the only undergraduate in the program.  His professer has told him the work they are doing will also count for part of his Master's degree.  So his plans are to continue straight into his Master's when he graduates next May.

As far as paying for his college, the wife and I put everything he got in cash in his college fund.  He has gotten a permanate Fund Dividend since he was born from the State of Alaska.  All his Dividends went into his college fund.  When Uncles and Aunts gave him birthday money or Christmas money it went into his college fund.  Then when I got hurt, quite working, and applied for a disability, he became eligiable for 4 years of college paid by the VA.  He lives at home, because he knows it's better for him to let Mom and Dad pay the utilities.  Rent in Fairbanks is expensive.  He would be competing with all the GIs from Ft Wainwright for those apartments.             

[PowPow]

Broad generalization, but it seems this generation has the greatest gap between what they "want" to do and what the real opportunities are. Some of it is their expectations, some of it the current economy. Hear of a lot of Communications, Theatre, and Philosphy grads waiting tables. Maybe they always ended up doing that and I just did not realize it.


My son wanted to make the music for video games. Explained the difference between vocation and avocation to him, and how we couldn't really live off my hunting income or my wife's tennis income, but with the money I make doing something that is not always my favorite thing to do, but am pretty good at, we can do the hunting and tennis. (In case the irony was missed, hunting and tennis income are $0).

[Empty Quiver]

Having read these posts I have nothing left to add. It's like I have just spilled my story of raising kids.
 
Unsure about college, and a waste of resources till I do. Check.
Way smarter than her genes would indicate, driven to succeed, presidents list acedemics every semester, take advantage of our financial offers, don't need a boyfriend right now thank you very much, too danged mature for her age, lots of outstanding loans.  Check.
 
CNA in high school, working the nursing home thing. Too much money for a kid, she has to move out with her recent Army basic training graduate. Always figured her for the most "normal child", oh well.
 
The thing is they are all good kids. We raised them to be fiercely independant. Lordy but that has come back to haunt us... or maybe not, time will tell.
 
I worry about them all for differing reasons.
 
 

[Sourdough]

Most people in the arts, music, acting, all pay their dues waiting tables, cleaning pools, landsacaping, things that will bring them their next meal.  Some make it most don't.  I went through that, and after a year playing music in clubs I sat down one day and looked at who I was playing with.  a bunch of middle aged, and old men, who had been trying to make it big their whole lives.  Decided to do something else.  I worked in a grocery store, until I noticed the people who worked there spent their whole lives and never went anywhere else than the grocery store.  Making a living just bearly, good honest work, but not very well paid.  I wanted more than that in my life.  I wanted to leave Tennessee and see more of the world.  Unfortunately my folks were of the idea no body needed to go to college, and could not afford to help me anyway.
 
I have seen people who had the drive and the will power to make it without help from Mom and Dad.  They found ways to go on to school or what ever else they wanted out of life. 
 
Sky and I were talking a few weeks ago about college loans.  One evening at the University a bunch of kids were talking about their student loans.  How most would not be able to go on to their Master's program till after they had paid off some or all of their student loans.  These kids will be paying for years to pay off those loans.  I remember when I was going to school how many of the students were waiting tables, washing cars, stocking groceries at night, to pay their teuition.  Living in a small house they shared with three or four other people.  They were not taking out loans to pay for school.  I think it is a very bad polocy that most of our students are taking out all these loans to pay for their schooling and many don't finish.  If the loans were not so easy to get these students would not have gone as far as they did and after failing they would not be in such debt.  these are the loans that will not be paid off or will have to be written off when the people disappear.

[45-70.gov]

be carefull not to become an enabler


both my sons had to sit in jail with no bail
[before that  their mom bailed them out]
then  they saw the error of their way


i am now watching a friend  die
his well meaning  mother always bailed him  out, gave him a place to live....his  enabler
she  shares  her xanex  once he  takes all  his  and has with drawels


lead  by example and hpe for the best

[hillbill]

i have had much the same problems with my oldest daughter as the op did. when she made a few really stupid financhial moves that i strongly counseled her against before she did them,and then i refused to pay the bill, she cut any contact..we are just now after a year or so talking.barely.she has the same sense of entitlement as her mother. on the bright side, my 17 yr old son by my second ex is taking a personal finance class in high school that teaches dave ramseys financhial peace course.it is amazeing what this kid has soaked up.he and i have the same view of debt, credit cards etc.he has a clear course on life, a career picked out and is line for both athletic and academic scholarships. so i basically give up, no matter what yu teach them, some kids will always be rebellious and some will see whats going on around them and learn. i was so proud when my son came to me and said "dad im not going to work all my life in the hot sun like you do".i hope he doesnt have to.

[Lon371]

i was so proud when my son came to me and said "dad im not going to work all my life in the hot sun like you do".i hope he doesnt have to.

 My boy said the same thing. And he is on the right path for now


Lonny

[Sourdough]

I had told my oldest son as long as you are going to school I will foot the bills.  If you drop out you get a job and help out.  My oldest dropped out of high school and tried to keep me from finding out.  My oldest was in shock when I told him either he paid half the rent and groceries or he found another place to live.  He had the attitude you did not have to pay to live at home, Mom and Dad always supported you there.  So if you went out and did not make it on your own you could always go back home and everything would be provided.  He packed his stuff and left, then crashed and burned.
 
My youngest has now used up all the VA benifit he had for schooling.  He is now working to pay his tution.  His Mom and I help with his books.  He does not want to use any of his college fund his Mom and I saved for him.  He says that is his down payment on a home once he decides to settle down.  he listens to Dave Ramsey on the radio every day as he drives to school and he has developed an attitude simuler to the Ramsey theory.  he also had an economics teacher when he was going to the Catholic school that drove the kids into thinking don't go into debt for anything other than a home.  If you don't have the money or can not save the money, you don't need it.  He is using one of my 4X4 trucks during the winter to drive back and forth to school.  His car is not conducive to driving on snow and ice.  He might as well use it other wise it would just be sitting.  I only use it to pull people out of the ditch and to haul trash.  I like it since I don't have to make trash runs.  I judst throw it in the back of the yellow truck then tell him he has to go by the dump on his way to school or work.

[two-blocked]

My daughter's off to her first semester also. She's 2,000 miles away and with me footing the bill I had expected weekly updates.  As it is I'm lucky if I hear from her once a month.  On one hand I feel disrespected but on the other it's nice to see her spread her wings and get adventuresome. Last month I found out she was running loose in NYC. Turned out it was fall break and she was staying at my cousins but exploring the city by herself while my cousin worked. Talk about semi-comforting!
With regard to the original post, I'm assuming you and your daughter had an agreement about finances before she enrolled. If she's not meeting her end of the bargain this could be a great learning opportunity!
 

[45-70.gov]

My daughter is in her first semester of college, and hads a significant bill that needs to be paid. My wife and I have been asking her how we can help her pay the bill, we have all the money needed, but she hangs up the phone on my wife and speaks unintelligibly to me. I think she's just going to have to get kicked out of school to get that solid dose of reality she apparently needs. She can't return to my house, we tried to help her but she refuses, she's going to be on her own soon.


My son has  done fine, but she's about to crash and burn.

WHAT IS THE BILL YOU WANT TO PAY?
why do you feel the need to pay this bill?
why was the bill previously neglected?
why can't she return to you house??.......your rule?.....probly for the best
'', but she's about to crash and burn.'' quote......probly be in her best interest to let her


first glance it sounds like  drugs or alcohal...[alcohol is a drug too]
could be mental illness


check into all-anon....for the families  of  people with dependencies
they  deal with this every day


i have a freind die-ing   now as a result  of  addiction
he   is ENABLED  by  his  RICH  mother
all she  knows how to do  is pray....she  won't consider other options.....tho  that is failing


SHE  HANGS UP ON  YOU  AND YOU WANT TO GIVE HER  MONEY!!!!!!!!
what does that tell  her  about how to treat people?   especially her parents
why  would you tell  her it is OK to be rude??

[Conan The Librarian]

It's not drugs or alcohol. It's something vastly more dangerous and more powerful. We are talking about an 18 year old girl. The problem is adolescent stupidity. I can assure you my history at age 18 was nothing to be proud of. Now it's her turn.
 
The problem is that she doesn't fully appreciate the importance of money, and she is finding out fast.
 
My son, who is older, had a come to Jesus moment with money, but not as much money was involved. Now he's a "rock star" when it comes to fiscal responsibility. Maybe our daughter will "get religion" about money.
 
We did have a nice conversation yesterday about it, and I think she's starting to get it. But I'm still worried about her. She's in one of those artsy majors that is high risk.

[Sourdough]

Have a friend in Florida who's son went into Culinary school.  He wanted to be a Chef.  He wanted to take out a student loan to pay for school, but the bank wanted a co-signer.  My friend went in and co-signed for the loan, with me telling her not to.  After school the boy moved to Houston Texas, and has little contact with his Mom.  For some reason he decided the loans did not have to be repaid.  He claims first he does not make enough money to pay the loans, yet he can afford to go to Cancun during spring break week.  He thinks Obama is going to forgive all student loans, so he refuses to pay.  And he is changing jobs almost every month.

My friend received a letter of garnishment, they are taking the amount of his monthly payments out of her pay check.  The boy says don't pay it, he does not understand the Mom does not have the choice.   She is angry, and rightfully so.  Now the son is upset because she is refusing to help pay for his upcoming wedding.

[Conan The Librarian]

A friend of mine went to culinary school after he retired. He did it just to get rigorous training, not to work in the field. He says he pays more in taxes per year than most people in the restaurant business can hope to gross in a year. Bottom line is that culinary school prepares you to work for 9 dollars an hour with a burn-out schedule.
 
I've read some articles about how culinary school has become popular because of things like food network and the like. People are spending a lot of money for what amounts to worthless training.