Thanks jdl my friend, and to all my other friends here as well.
It has been 7 weeks today sine I lost Marti and things have not changed, the phyiscal pain is still with me and if anything it has gotten a little harder to go from day to day. As I sit here between being racked by sobbing and trying to read between the tears I am thankful for the input and help of my friends here and yet saddened by the loss suffered by my friend jdl who is going through the same sorrow.
Milestones come and go, January 28th was Marti's birthday and I went to the cemetery and read her the card I bought for her about 6 months ago, I bought it for her because it was perfect for her. I found it while looking a a birthday card for someone at work and bought it and have kept it hidden since last summer to surprise her with it. Yesterday was Valentines day, I always got Marti something special for Valentines day.
An old friend we have not seen in years came by yesterday with her daughter to visit. She needed a little help and direction with a problem her daughter is going through. I invited them in and after a while she asked, "Where's Marti? is she shopping? Will she be home soon?" With tearful eyes I told her that, no Marti would not be home soon, that she had passed away. The poor woman did not know of Marti's passing. She felt badly and it was especially hard for me on Valentines day.
I was not going to post to this thread again and thought I would just tough it out, but I have found out that is not possible, as jdl and others here know, this is not like anything you have ever gone through before and you cannot just "tough it out".
I have met 5 other guys who have lost thier wives, to a man all got misty and thier eyes watered when they told me of thier loss, and some lost thier wives as long as 9 years ago. The pain and loneliness, the being alone, even when you are with others, never leaves you, it is always there like a cold dagger through your chest.
Things that used to mean something to me are seemingly meanless now, the hopes and dreams I had for the future do not seem to mean anything anymore, they all were involved with my Marti, and I did not even realize it, because she was there with me. Those hopes and dreams are gone now, gone with my Marti.
Now that my Marti is gone, I am empty except for the pain and sorrow. The only time of peace I have during the day is my time with her bible in the morning and evening, and even then I sometimes cry and sob. It is surreal and the loss and hurt is forever.
I believe the scope and finality of the loss cannot be fully comprehended by we mere mortals.
I sometimes think, and hope, I may be in the middle of the scariest, worst nightmare you could ever imagine. I want to awaken, but relaize I can never awaken from it, I want to, I pray to, but I know I never will....Andy....<><....