I figured that I would kick off this forum with a satirical article I wrote for my own homepage website. I hope that it will get people thinking about things that they can do on their own property to manage for wildlife--primarily whitetail deer. This is bound to raise some questions, so ask away.
How to have fewer deer on your property
Many people have painstakingly tried to encourage whitetail deer use of their property. This takes numerous hours, a few dollars, but most importantly time. Most of us do not have the time or the knowledge to do so, so why bother?
You will probably just end up depressed, and far be it from this author to be the cause of any heartache. Just follow these tips, and you too can have very few whitetails on your property. It will save you money, save you time, and actually, doing nothing is pretty easy to accomplish.
Don't bother creating a plan
Plans work! Just as in creating a house, every well managed property starts with a plan. If you take the time to create one, you will have to spend time making sure that you follow it. Following a carefully selected plan for your property will just aid in bringing whitetails to your land. And as this is the exact opposite of what we're trying to accomplish here, forget the plan.
My suggestion is to just keep doing what you've always done. That way, you will always have more of what you've already got. If you don't have any whitetails on your property, congratulations! You are already there. Disregard the rest of this article, make an ice tea, sit back, relax, and relish in the fact that there are people (your neighbors) sweating during the summer working on their property to bring in deer.
The harder they work, the easier your job will become. And if they have a plan, watch what happens. They will soon pull the few whitetails you do have over to their land. This makes your job easier.
Thank God for foolish neighbors!
Timber Stand Management
The golden rule here is DO nothing. Trees grow by themselves and watching trees grow big and tall is extremely exciting. Let your property be over-run by mature timber. The more open the forest the better.
Whitetail deer love dense, thick cover. Security is the most important thing in a trophy whitetail's life. So if you don't want any huge trophy whitetails roaming your property, leave your forested lands as open and mature as possible.
Don't bother making living bushes and thick areas. These areas hold deer. And as holding deer is the exact opposite of what we're trying to accomplish, this is easily done.
Don't bother clear cutting areas and pockets of your property. Whitetails love uneven growth in the forests they inhabit. As soon as you create pockets and thick areas, the whitetails will move in, and you will be over run with them.
As an important side note, this all costs money, albeit that it can be done on a shoestring budget and accomplished over time. Think of all the money you will save in gas for your chain saw, not to mention the oil it requires to premix with the gas. You will no doubt have to have it sharpened, perform routine maintenance and keep it running smoothly. What a pain.
You will probably just be sore in the morning from all the physical exercise, and Lord knows, I don't want anyone in shape. Fat and lazy is the game plan here. That way you'll have nothing to do all summer but lay around and relax.
You will also have to work with power tools--the kind the big boys use. These include tractors, quads, farming equipment, sprayers, discs, drags, and cultivators. Real land stewards know and use this equipment on a regular basis. If you hate to use this kind of stuff, youre in luck. You don't have to.
Food Plots
Look, I know that there are lots of people who plant food plots. Some crazy people actually enjoy the pleasure of tilling the land, liming to achieve the proper pH, fertilizing, planting and watching things grow. These people are nuts! They actually enjoy watching hordes of whitetails make a mad dash for their food plots to eat the nutritious plants.
They enjoy watching the size of their deer's antlers increase due to this extra nutrition, watching does give birth to multiple healthy fawns--some even giving birth to three fawns. Of all the crazy things. I still can't believe it.
Let's face it, whitetails are creatures of the woods. They were born to eat twigs, buds and scour the forest floor in search of the few tasty morsels they can find. Over years of having to do this, they've actually gotten rather good at it.
Having no food plots will also make the deer weaker coming into the rut. And when winter sets in, they will be frail. This is incredible news! If you live in an area that has harsh winters like we do in Northern Michigan, many won't make it. Now that's cool!
Remember the goal here is to have as few deer as possible. If you don't currently have any food plots on your land, you are already doing the best you can to accomplish your goal.
Water Sources
Deer need water. Water makes up the major portion of any living body. It aids in digestion and metabolism. And deer usually, just as you do, like a cool drink as soon as they get up. By not having a water source within 1/2 mile of your land, you can rest assured that the deer will be somewhere else.
Some whitetail management nuts have actually gone so far as to create artificial watering holes on their land. Why I once took a child's wading pool and kept it filled all summer long. The strangest thing happened. One evening while hunting over this water hole, I watched 6 does and a spike run down to my mowed clearing. They immediately ran up to the watering hole. The deer actually drank from it before eating. I quickly removed it for fear the deer would remember it's location and frequent it. Almost as if I knew what I was doing, the deer went elsewhere.
Bedding Areas
Again, deer relish thick cover when they bed down. By having none, you won't have to worry about deer calling your property their home turf. What sane individual wants to have trophy deer establish their bedroom on their land? Have you ever seen a deer make its bed? I think not. Deer are messy critters, and we can't have any of that on our land.
The nerve of all these dedicated land managers who try to keep as many healthy deer on their property as possible. By creating bedding cover, deer will be there at peak hunting times--early morning and late afternoons. This surely goes against our plan.
You might even get a shot at one. If you do get a shot at one, you will have to gut it, process it, and store it. This is a really messy job, and only fit for real outdoors-men. What do you think you are anyway, rugged--a mountain man?
Having all that venison in your freezer will just take up space that would normally be occupied by TV dinners and quick frozen entrees anyway. Who the heck wants to eat a nutritious venison steak sautéed in mushrooms and onions when you can eat frozen meals that have been cooked months in advance, shipped to your grocer and sat on a shelf for who knows how long? Frozen cube steak smothered in an undigestible brown gravy is one of my favorites. And I like them best when they're reheated. I'm almost drooling as I type this.
Connecting Trails
Many insane land managers have actually figured out that by creating thick trails leading to and from your pre-made bedding sites to your food plots, you can strategically place stand locations along these trails. This is unsporting and should be shunned by anyone looking to be unsuccessful this fall.
Some crazy individuals actually enjoy the fact that they have worked their plan and been successful at ambushing mature trophy whitetail bucks that they watched grow from fawns into princes of the woods. They have programmed these deer to bed where they want them to and use the trails they have designed. Now mind you, these are extremely stupid deer. Most deer aren't this dumb. They are actually more intelligent than human beings. They are able to calculate highly advanced forms of mathematics and build jet engines from chewed up gum and aluminum foil like McGuiver.
"Silly human--trying to use camouflage and scent eliminating products in efforts to fool one of these highly advanced life forms." The thought of it is actually rather annoying to this sophisticated author.
A Well Balanced, Age Structured Herd
Many wildlife managers have realized that by balancing out the age structures and buck to doe ratio of their property, they will have increased rut activity, and the health of their deer herd will improve. These are people to be avoided like Bovine TB and Bird Flu. They actually enjoy having a firm grasp on the numbers of bucks, does and fawns on their property.
Some people even spend countless hours in the field watching their deer, taking accurate notes and deciding which of the deer they will harvest. They know how many does routinely use their property in relation to the bucks. They have, through the use of books, videos, and seminars, learned how to determine the difference between a buck fawn and a doe fawn. They can also age and score whitetail bucks on the hoof. This takes a lot of study, and is nothing of which the "do nothing" land owner/hunter will have any part.
Some have even named these deer. I've heard such names as Back Strap, Tenderloin, V. Roast, and Kabob. By the way, I am happy to report that Buster made it through the winter and is doing well--as are his sisters, Jerky and Stew. Stew is a stupid name for a girl, but that was in place long before we could accurately sex fawns on the hoof. If I never would have learned that skill, I wouldn't feel foolish for giving a girl a boys name. I can tell she has low self esteem because of it. I am deeply saddened by this and regret my mistake. As such, I have given up all naming of the few deer that walk through my property.
Come to think about it, who cares if you shoot all the button bucks or harvest immature whitetail bucks anyway? Plenty of does roaming your land with no bucks to breed them means your deer herd will shrink. This helps you accomplish the goal of not having many deer on your land. If this is your goal, and why shouldn't it be, you are well on your way to self fulfillment.
If you have too many deer for your property, this can be to your advantage. Don't bother bringing the deer herd within the holding capacity of your land. Let them all scrounge around for the little food they can find. They will quickly become weak and fall prey to other animals or disease. Again, it's easy to have few deer.
And if you are fortunate enough to find that you have too few deer already, just speed up the process by shooting all of them. Start with the mature breeding deer with the best genetics. By killing off ALL of the adults, the little ones will really have a challenge when the weather turns. They will have their hands full fighting off packs of coyotes and wolves, as well as the occasional bear. Naive, defenseless, orphaned deer are just what you're looking for going into winter.
Getting Your Neighbors Involved
If you want few deer calling your property their home, whatever you do, do not talk with your neighbors. DO NOTHING. Many successful deer hunters and land managers have formed co-ops.
Co-ops get many landowners together, whereby they can manage all of their smaller properties as one large contiguous unit. This is VERY successful. As whitetail does can have home ranges of a square mile or more, and mature bucks will often roam a home range of five square miles, rest assured, your small 5-10 acre parcel will not hold a deer herd.
Managing a much larger area is one of the most successful techniques you could employ. Having all your neighbors on the same page will just increase your odds of bagging a trophy buck.
If your goal is to have no trophy deer, ignore the idea of forming a co-op. You will probably get the urge to get many pictures taken of your record book 12 point, and even get a desire to hang him above your mantle on the wall. This has caused many a divorce and can warp the minds of your youngsters into thinking you are a blood thirsty killer. Remember, deer hunting is murder!
Joining Wildlife Management Associations
Just as in business, networking is a lot of fun and profitable. If you want few whitetails on your land, don't join a local, statewide, or national association. They have countless resources available to you. This can greatly increase your chances of being a successful land steward.
Furthermore, by learning the successes and failures of others, you can trim countless hours of pain out of your life. You will be able to head off mistakes before you make them and learn how to do it correctly the first time. If that is not your goal, just do things your own way on your own. That way you will be very successful at being unsuccessful.
And whatever you do, stay away from the Quality Deer Management Association (QDMA). Those folks are dedicated to improving the health of our deer herd, our hunting heritage, and improved conditions for future generations through the use of education, tips and techniques. You will soon find yourself addicted to the knowledge it takes to make the most out of your land.
Take it from me, if you join the ranks of the QDM'ers, you will probably find yourself thinking about deer on a daily basis, talking with people who have done this for years with great success, gaining the knowledge it takes to succeed and have a strong urge to network more often with like minded individuals. This is way over the top.
I prefer to join the ever increasing ranks of the whiners who complain about current conditions and blame the Department Of Natural Resources for their problems while doing nothing. It's fun and safe to be a part of a really large group. If you like these things, join Complainers Incorporated today. Give them a call. Their misery awaits you.
In Conclusion
The nerve of these "hunters and land managers" who relish in the fact that they have created food plots, bedding areas and thick trails with the sole purpose of harvesting a mature, trophy buck. These outdoor freaks actually enjoy the fact that they watched a doe give birth to buck and doe twins in one of their fawning grounds, eat their food plots, grow up healthy and call their property home.
They routinely harvest mature bucks, while you see nothing but white flags as deer head to your neighbors where they feel safe. As deer need food, water and shelter, my advice is to think like a deer--then do the opposite.
If you want very few whitetails inhabiting your land, follow these guidelines. You can't fail! Soon, you will have the pleasure of joining the ranks of the many who have undesirable whitetail habitat, see few deer this fall, and love to complain that it's someone else's fault. If that's where you find you, follow this article to the letter, sit back and enjoy that TV dinner.
