Problem with my Parents!

[Sourdough]

Sounds like a teenager, right?  Well not hardly, my Dad is 79, and Mom is 78. 

Dad has always been easygoing, quite, and good natured.  He taught me to hunt, fish, and almost everything I needed to know to get along in this world.  Dad was a trucker and was gone quite a bit after I got older.  Dad now has Alzheimer's, he has good days and he has bad days.  But he has reached the point where he needs constant supervision.

Mom is dominating, aggressive, possessive, jealous, overbearing, and just plain mean.  Always has been, always will be.  That's why Dad stayed a trucker till he reached 72.  And why I left when I turned 18.  I personally think she is right behind Dad, she is often just as confused as he is.  But she refused to see a doctor, or even talk about herself. 

My brothers and I would like to move them into an assisted living center, but we foresee problems.  When Dad is having a bad day, he forgets who he is.  If he meets a woman and she flirts, Dad will flirt back.  To him that's just being friendly, and if you ask him who he is at that time he does not know, or that he is married.  Mom has already walked in and physically assaulted two women who she thought was flirting with Dad.  She will not listen to reason, she threatens to pull the hair out of any woman that she catches flirting with Dad.  He is hers and nobody else can have him.  Yet she is no longer able to cook, clean, or keep tabs on Dad.  Dad wandered away last week and got lost.  It took the police two hours to find him.  Then when the officers got him home, they were afraid to leave, thinking she would beat him for getting lost.  They stayed till one of my brothers and his wife arrived.  My brother and I are going to get together via the Internet Friday to discuss our problem.  I feel it's reached a point where we finally have to do something.

[GatCat]

Boy oh boy, that is a tough one, and you and your family are to be commended for trying to seek a solution. I think if I was in that situation, I would first put my father in an assisted care facility near one of the "kids" ( not necessarily close to the mother ). She for the time being could stay at her house. That way he is in a safe, controlled environment, and she can gradually start to function ( deal ) without him being there. It may sound cold, but hopefully she will become somewhat emotionally less attached to him, and concentrate on herself more. Then if/when she needs assisted care, place her somewhere away from him, closer to another of the "kids". With phone Companies offering flat-rate, unlimited calling, they could keep in steady touch with each other to make the suppuration easy on them. With constant re-enforcement from the "kids" ( "gee mom,dads, doing great"; "mom, I think you're doing great without having to worry/keep an eye on dad every day"...), and MAYBE family get-togethers now n then for holidays/birthdays ( not real sure about this, though ).
I makes me think of the very recent news that retired Supreme Justice Sandra Day O'Conner's husband, in advanced Alzheimer's, in an assisted care facility, has "fallen in love" with another patient, the two of them holding hands, and so on. He's forgotten about Sandra, and it seems like she is taking it real well, happy that at least her husband is as happy as can be be. She doesn't take it as a personal insult, after all, her husband has no memory of her.
Good luck on a very tough situation!! At least you can honestly appraise each of them, their traits and needs, and try to sort out what is best for each.
Mark

[williamlayton]

My heart goes out too you.
My mom and grandmother had Alzheimer's. Sad situation but the best you may hope for is to make sure they are taken care of.
There are some legal complications you will want to consult with an competent attorney about.
My grandmother was always mean--it got worse as the disease progressed.
Mother was not so afflicted with a disorderly personality and she became very compliant as the disease progressed.
Don't let anyone tell you that you are unfeeling for having them in a facility which will oversee their care---it is a very tiring duty to watch them as you would a one year old who can walk and run.
You are making the right decisions--stick too them for the safety and health that is left in your parents.
Your mom needs constant care and attention--I don't think leaving her at home alone is a good decision--that is your call however.
Best and
Blessings

[rockbilly]

Life sometimes deals us a bad hand to play, yours is such.  I agree with the comments above, first and foremost adequate care should be provided for.  As the Alzheimer's progresses there will remain a shell where your father once lived, and the longer he remains in this state, the worst it will get.  Caring for himself is out of the question, and with your Mother's condition it will become increasingly harder for her to care for him.  Don't stand by and let the situation deteriorate to the point that someone may suffer bodily injury, start looking for a competent assisted living facility today that can care for both of them.

I went through a similar situation with my Mother, she did fairly well for her age (94) in an assisted living facility, she gave up after falling and breaking her hip. I am sure we made the right decision by putting her in the facility, and think the quality of her life was much better than anyone could have provide for on their own.

I pray that you can find the guidance to make the right choice both for yourself and for your parents.