Have you ever felt like runnig away?

[beemanbeme]

One last post and then I'm outa here. I've been thru this with more friends than I care to remember.  Without exception, they all were glad they had moved their loved one to a professional facility or wisht they had.
Your remark "I hate to send her away" sounds great but it's your wife that's being pushed under the bus.  And why do you feel guilty about your mother going to a facility where there are trained professionals seeing to her needs?  You will be able to visit her after work and week-ends just like you do now. Or do you like the idea of your wife being the trained professional 24/7. FYI You don't want to tell her she's making about $2.80 an hour. 
Why don't you take a couple of weeks vacation and let you wife go down to Florida and lay on the beach while you tend to your mother 24/7(with a smile on your face and a song on your lips) and keep the rest of the house running. Might change your perspective. 
Tell me something, on your days off, do you let your wife go to the movies or shopping or whatever while you take care of your mother?  A couple of nights a week, do you stand in and let her go to the library or visit a friend or have some private time or time away?  When was the last time you had the florist deliver her a dozen roses with a card that said: Thank you, Honey, for being so loving and patient with my Mother." 

[myronman3]

grandpa didnt want to go either.   funny thing was,  after he did go,   a week into it you couldnt get him to leave for more than an hour or two.  he loved it. 

  chances are her going to assisted living or a home wont be half as bad as she is making it out to be.  in fact,  she can come pull my weight and i will go chill in a home.  no cooking,  no cleaning,  a t.v. and even nurses giving me baths.....hmmmm.  where can i sign up?   

    i lost my first marriage, and you aint seen nothing yet.   you dont realize it yet but your wife is telling you what time it is.   either listen or lose her.   can your mother fill her shoes?  nope.    remember,  BALLS OUT.

   one last thing...  dont be saying "easy for you guys to say", because it isnt.   MANY of us have been there and lived that nightmare already.   you have been given solid advise from some very sage characters; all who want to see you do well.   what you do from here is up to you.    keep being wishy washy and you are going to lose everything.  it is up to you.    i am out.

[Skunk]

Armchair counselors, you gotta love em. 

[oldandslow]

Dale, have you ever considered that when she does pass on that $1800 is gone right then? Bite the bullet and do the right thing for your family. A nursing home is  the right option for your mother, she will have the around the clock care she needs and the medication she needs to help HER be happier. I have some experience with this. I had to put my mother in a nursing home because we could no longer give her the care she needed. I didn't want to but she is much better off now. As to how long your mother will live only God knows. My mother will be 103 in four days.

[rex6666]

Dale
If you look back through you post's and topics i think you can see that you have more problems than any one person should. Had to sell your guns, lost your truck6-8 mos ago, Mother causing problems,
now you have evidently lost another vehicle. I am a recovering alcoholic,(not saying you are) and i know what kind of problems a person can get in,I have not had a drink in 10 years, i am begging you to go to a counselor, Bad things can happen if you let it keep eating on you.
hope you do something

[Hammerspur]

 

They do have her on some Psyic drugs now for the Bipolar. Things have gotten better when she takes them. My wife gives her I think it is called Hydol twice a day but found some in her pill box so she must not be taking all of them. She also complains of hearing music and voices in her head. Dale

Dale,
Despite working in the field for nearly 33 years, I've never heard of any psych. drug named 'Hydol', might it be Haldol?
If yes, that really isn't a med specifically for Bi-Polar Disorder... It's classified as an "anti-psychotic" usually administered to sufferers of major psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia, although it may sometimes be used alone or in conjunction with some other agent for the treatment of psychotic symptoms resulting from a Bi-Polar illness.
Bi-Polar Disorder is usually treated with a mood stabilizer, most frequently Lithium. This may be contraindicated for your mother due to her age or other physical health concerns.

My advice to you and your family is to seek the help of your local Community Mental Health Center.
They should have support services ready to make referrals to clinicians specifically qualified in the treatment of geriatric mental disorders AND other services they may be able to offer to families like yours caught in this stressful situation... at this point I believe it may be of great benefit to the rest of you as well.

Give it a try, and my best wishes to you during this difficulty.

[bulzaye]

Dale,

No offense but I find it truly deplorable you will sacrifice you wife and daughter to the abuse for 1800 dollars a month. Is that all your wife an daughter are worth to you?  It is time to man up here.  Yeah you run away and go hunt or shoot and all that does is dump it on your wife and daughter while you are gone.  You are supposed to be the one protecting them not vice versa.  You can make all the promises to your mother you want but she is the one who negated the promise when she treats your family like she does.  Like I said time to man up take care of your family and send your mother packing simple as that there should be no debate

[tallyho]

Dale,
I work with individuals and couples in situations like this (and others) and do have some thoughts for you, but I am not inclined to get into it on this forum. If you are interested in working with me for a time (no charge) or just having my ear available to listen, PM me or email me and I'll arrange for a time we can talk on the phone.

By the way, the same goes for anyone else on the forum who thinks a friendly ear might be helpful.

Cheers
Kerry

[DalesCarpentry]

You know guys I have had some real good input here and I thank all that have helped. I probably should have not brought this up here but I did. At this point my wife and mother are worried about me and I have assured them I won't do anything stupid. I have real problems that go beyond the things I have brought up. I really need to talk to a pro and sort things out. I am not crazy by any means but I do have a lot of crazy things going on in my life. More than most people will ever encounter. Dale

[ironglow]

   Dale;
      Above all, right now you, your wife and daughter need some counseling. When we are in this position, we often cannot "see the forest. for the trees".
  You need the help of someone that is NOT IN the woods...
  Obviously, cost is going to be a factor; if you are not now involved in a local church of your choice..consider doing so. If you get involved in a good one, there is
    an automatic "support system". At a good church, there is of course, no charge for this kind of attention.
   Most Pastors are fairly good at counseling and probably you don't need someone with 3 doctor's degrees in the field..just someone with compassion and good
   common sense ! Someone that is not mired in the same quicksand hole you are in ...
   With a really supportive local church, they will often assign an experienced elder or deacon to be a "sounding board" and mentor for you.
        Your wife and daughter needs the same counseling and a break from the heavy weight that is bearing down upon you, plus encouragement by local friends and neighbors.
     I have been in a similar situation years ago and may face it again, since my Mrs has Parkinson's and several other maladies plus borderline bi-polar..
   

   Dale, please..don't try to handle this alone..or as a family alone. For the sake of your family. take your wife and daughter to a quiet restaurant you can afford, have  dinner
    and make a pact, that no matter what Mom says or does..you will not allow her to drive any wedges between you three, then find a local church where where you can
    participate and get some comfort. You will likely look forward to each Sunday's venture there..
         
     I am 71 now Dale, and the last thing I would ever want if I came into that condition, would to be a serious interruption for my son's family..ship ME off to
  the "shady rest" rather than to hurt a young family...If Mom were thinking rightly, I just bet she would feel the same as I do !

[Maplicito]

Dale, not a whole lot to add here, but I agree with most of what has been said.  I sympathize with your mother - I work with mentally ill people, many of them bipolar - and my company has a lot of success with them - but what you see when they are at the height of their disorder is not their true personality, and can be absolutely miserable to live around.

It's honourable that you are trying to keep your promise to your mother, but most promises do have conditions under which a person can not be expected to keep them.  Particularly if one promise contradicts another - and there's a lot of promises to your wife and daughter that are implicit and unspoken, and the situation you are in causes those to be at conflict with the promise to your mother.

You can not be expected to sacrifice the emotional well being and stability of your wife and child for several years - possibly even for the rest of their lives, in order to vainly try to protect the non-existant well being of a woman who doesn't have much longer in this world.  I fully believe in respecting the elderly, and doing our best to provide for them, but at the same time - this world is for the living, and your responsibility is to your family first.

I think you also need to recognize a responsibility to yourself.  The situation is obviously making you miserable, and aggravating what ever other situations you have - you need to give yourself proper relief - this will in turn leave you more able to give your wife and daughter the support they need.  And as much as an internet forum isn't the ideal place to air a topic like this, I do understand the idea that sometimes enough is too much, and you need to find an outlet anywhere you can.  I do completely agree with the idea of finding a professional that can help you and your family with your situations however - sometimes people need that extra leg up.

[ironglow]

  Dale;

  I recognized, just as many of the guys did ..that you were reaching out..seeking that outside help. Been there, done that, and just like you, I needed someone that wasn't
  stuck in the situation with me.
   I understand your reaching out..and a man sometimes does that with his friends..and I do consider GBs a community of friends of a common interest (hunting/shooting)
  but nonetheless, still friends.
  Don't suffer alone anymore..reach out nearby, as I suggested..