Have you ever felt like runnig away?

[DalesCarpentry]

Have you ever felt like running away? I am a full grown man at the age of 41 soon to be 42. My wife and I have have been taking care of my mother for 7 years now. We also have a 12 year old daughter that is very smart and a good kid. My mother is 78 years old and very controlling and very vindictive. My mother has been diagnosed as being Bipolar. My mother starts fights with everyone in the family on a regular basis. She goes out of her way to make my wife and me fight. She on the last fight told me my wife is running around on me. I don't believe this for a second seeing as my wife has to take care of my mother 24/7. I know where my wife is at all times and it would not be possible. When I asked my mother when she said when you are at work. I said how can that be when she is here with you. Later she said she said that just to piss me off. My mother and my wife fight like cats and dogs. My wife does everything for her!!!!!! My mother is pretty much bed ridden and my wife is there for what ever she needs. The fights between my wife and mother are over the top to say the least. The doctor said 2 years ago when she got her pace maker that she would not live 2 years. I am just tired of all the fighting and would just love to run away to a warm climate. I know I can't do this but I can still dream of sipping rum and Cokes on the beach. Sometimes I am just so fed up I really think of just climbing in the van and going for a real long road trip. My wife I am sure feels the same way. I bet she would like to run away also and I would not blame her. Maybe it is winter gettig to me because it seems like I have these feelings every winter. Dale

[Swampman]

Sometimes I just want the pain to go away.  I would run away if I could.  I have a wife to help, and to try to provide for.

This area sucks! You can't find decent work, and the cost of living has gone sky high.  Corporate greed is killin the little man. I will try to pray for you and your situation.

[wareagleguy]

Well I hope you were not trying to get sympathy cause I don't think you need it.  Sorry, if this sounds cruel but there comes a time when a man must walk away from his mother and accept a new number one woman in his life.  You mother should be AFTER your wife and if you mother is causing problems with your family you have got the deal with it.  DEAL WITH IT, man!

I don't know you but what I told you would be the same thing I would have told my SECOND best friend.  My first is my wife.

One more thing, if you are this tired of your mother can you just imagine how you wife feels?  It's stuff like this that ends marriages.

[mjbgalt]

i would buy her some life insurance, not to be a jerk...but when she DOES leave you...you at least will get something out of it.

and i have to second what the other dude said...time to have a chat with mom and tell her whose house it is and where she fits in. she did it with you when you needed it earlier in life, this time she needs it. be as forceful as she forces you to be.

-Matt

[burntmuch]

Well said. At the end of the day theres one person in the world that will back you up ,no matter what you do & that is your wife"hopefullly" Unless your moms paying the bills, she takes a backseat to your wife. & your mother should know that

[DalesCarpentry]

I agree to certain extent. This is putting a real strain on our family but I promised my mother at a young age that I would never send her to a home. My mother is a retired nurse and has seen first hand how people are treated in homes. This is really the end of her life and I keep telling my wife to hang in there a little longer. I know you guys think that may be cold but my mother has not lived in years. We are pretty much waiting for her to die. She really does not have a life. I would not want to live the life my mother has for years. If I was my mother I would want it to end. She is in a lot of pain and it would be best for it to be over. Dale

[DalesCarpentry]

My mother brings $1,800 into this house hold every month with her SS and retirement. With the way work has been for me the last 4 months or so we could not live without it. Dale

[burntmuch]

Dale this is my last comment. I dont think this is a topic for this forum. You need to talk to someone possibly a priest, Dr,Family friend face to face for your familys sake. I wish you luck & God Bless

[DalesCarpentry]

Dale this is my last comment. I dont think this is a topic for this forum. You need to talk to someone possibly a priest, Dr,Family friend face to face for your familys sake. I wish you luck & God Bless

Where better to talk about this. I consider many here friends. My wife and I have not even been out together in 5 years because we can not leave my mother alone. Dale

[wareagleguy]

Sounds like you are putting a price tag on your family.  I still say deal with it.  If I were in your shoes my mother would be told if she wants to be in the family then she must get along with the family otherwise she can get another family in a nursing home.

Ask your wife this.  Would you rather get a job to replace moms income or care for my mother?  Tell her to tell the truth.  If she says get a job send momma packing.

[Leatherstocking]

DALE - it was amazing reading your initial post. Sounded alot like me. I am 42 soon to be 43 and also live with someone who is manipulative, controlling and vindictive, and perhaps bipolar although not sure. Unfortunately I am referring to my 11 year old son. He makes life a living heck in our household. It's sad to say, but sometimes I am counting the days until he graduates. Some days I wonder if I'll make it to that point. The stress is killing me.

My reason for telling you this is to let you know that you are not alone. We all suffer in one way or another. As another said, I guess sometimes we just have to deal with it the best we can......... To answer your question - YES!!

[Questor]

DalesCarpentry:

I hate to break it to you, but your situation is not unusual at all. In fact, I'd consider it more normal than not. Yep, my fight or flight reflex really kicks into gear at least a few times per week. No fun, but those are the burdens of family. It's also why guys like us need mystifying arcane hobbies like hunting and fishing and shooting. I think I picked these hobbies because I could get away from everyone I know and really enjoy some time alone. One thing you didn't mention is good long time friends getting sick and dying. I'm almost 50 and it seems like every stinkin' week it's something wrong with a good friend. 40 didn't bother me at all but 50 is hitting me pretty hard with all the sick and the dead now.

I remember my in-laws when they were in their 70's and early 80's. They'd go to some friend's funeral almost once a week. People they knew all their lives and went to school with. Sometimes twice a week. So it looks like it just keeps getting worse that way.

This connection to others is our lot in life and we need to make the best of it. And meanwhile find those small islands of solace that keep us sane and generally happy.

Also keep in mind that late February and the month of March are the most depressing months of the year, so it's likely we'll all get a ray of sunshine in the form of an improved outlook after spring arrives.

Hang in there.

[DalesCarpentry]

Yes shooting and hunting is my way of getting away. It may only be for a few hours or the rare over night thing but I do get away sometimes. Alone time is priceless. Dale

[DalesCarpentry]

To give you a clue as to the names my mother has called my daughter when she was 11 years old. She called her the C word and told her she was a little wh*re. After she did this the first time I told her I never want to hear those kind of words come out of her mouth again directed towards my daughter. My daughter has never even held hands with a boy yet. My mother has thrown things at my wife and even hit her in the face with her hand. She has thrown fits where she has broken dishes and mugs. Dale

[Cheesehead]

I would medicate her into submission. Every one would be happier, including her.

Cheese

[DalesCarpentry]

I would medicate her into submission. Every one would be happier, including her.

Cheese

They do have her on some Psyic drugs now for the Bipolar. Things have gotten better when she takes them. My wife gives her I think it is called Hydol twice a day but found some in her pill box so she must not be taking all of them. She also complains of hearing music and voices in her head. Dale

[Questor]

DalesCarpentry:

If it were me, I'd be looking for a way to have the woman institutionalized. There are group homes all over your state that can handle people who are not fit to live in a family setting. Pardon me for seeming callous, but in fact I can't be justified in treating bad people well.  A few calls to organizations like your state's health and human services should help you focus on the realistic options.

You only have two options: get her away from you or put up with her.

[Questor]

I should mention some of the complexities of my situation. In my case my mother-in-law is very aged and has lost her ability to think clearly and conduct her daily life. She is still living at home and it is clear that she needs to live somewhere else. My open offer for years is that she can live with us if she wants to, and I'll modify the house so she's as comfortable as I can make her. The other option is that she lives with a different relative or moves into a senior apartment house. We only want the best for her and truly love her. It has gotten to the point where we need to have a family meeting and make a decision for her. This is a very disturbing position to be in, but it's necessary.  We've done everything we can do to keep her in her own house short of moving in with her, and our moving to the rural farm country just isn't practical. For one thing, it would uproot my kids at a time when they need stability and the friendship of their peers.

There's a similarity between your situation and mine in that we both have relatives aging that we have to deal with.

Again, pardon me if I'm seeming too callous about the institutionalization remark, but from what little I know about the situation, I think you should look into it as an option. Who knows if she will start doing things that are dangerously aggressive.

[Questor]

TM7:

There is a whole spectrum of options. Home hospice is the option when the end of life is near, and it is a good one. These are typically charitable organizations and they are truly worth giving to. They have helped a loved one of mine at the end of life. Group homes are more for people who can't take care of themselves. Nursing homes are for people who have serious disabilities and need a near-hospital like environment (it's not like the old folks home of my youth.) Senior apartments are a great option for those who need a bit of help getting along, some light supervision, and lots of autonomy and social contact.

[myronman3]

here is where you are going wrong....

  people tend to make their parents problems their own.   keep in mind,  she is an adult, and these are HER problems.   it is not fair to your wife that you are putting her in this situation.  it is only a matter of time before she leaves.   these are your moms problems, she needs to deal with them. 

   as far as the money goes,  it isnt worth it.  you and your wife need to figure out how you are going to make ends meet without mom in the picture; cause mom has her own problems she is going to deal with.   i will be damned if i ever put that burden on my kids.   she was selfish to make you promise that to begin with.   

   so man up.    your #1 obligation is to your wife and children.   it is that simple, dont complicate it.   

[DalesCarpentry]

I have had conversations with my wife about my mother and she really wants to put her in a home. She wants it to be just her my daughter and I. She says she will go to work and make that $1.800.00 a month and she is just sick and tired of her abuse. My wife has been taken care of her many years now and really only expected it to a couple years tops. My wife does get a little relief from social services. The send an aid in for a total of 8 hours a week. My wife feels that is not enough but will take any break she can. Dale

[myronman3]

 

She says she will go to work and make that $1.800.00 a month and she is just sick and tired of her abuse.

 there you have it.  now off your @$$,  and do it without thinking about it because you will only cloud it.   
   YOU OWE IT TO YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER TO SEND MOM ON HER WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  you are so close to losing it all for WHAT?  your mother needs to deal with HER problems instead of putting it on others.   would you do that to your daughter? 

  mom needs to go.  balls out, make it happen, captain.   not later, NOW. 

[SHOOTALL]

Dale your first loyalty is to your wife and daughter PERIOD ! we LEAVE our parents to marry !
respect for parents is good but parents must also respect their children !
One mom can cut the BS and stay .
two mom can go to a facility that can deal with her problems .
three mom can find another place to stay .
no amount of cash at mom demise is worth loosing your family over !
SO put it in mom's court ! give her the choices and let her choose ! AND DON"T BACK DOWN !
TUFF LOVE !

[Graybeard]

I have had conversations with my wife about my mother and she really wants to put her in a home. She wants it to be just her my daughter and I. She says she will go to work and make that $1.800.00 a month and she is just sick and tired of her abuse. My wife has been taken care of her many years now and really only expected it to a couple years tops. My wife does get a little relief from social services. The send an aid in for a total of 8 hours a week. My wife feels that is not enough but will take any break she can. Dale

Strikes me you just answered your own question now get busy and make it happen before you have only your mom at your house with you and the wife and daughter are gone from your life. Just do it.

[beemanbeme]

Nursing home or assisted living.  I think it is too much to ask of your wife.  You get a respite by going to work, your child gets a respite by going to school, your wife is with it 24/7. As your can see, it is affecting your entire marriage. Can your kid bring friends home to visit? Stay over? What about friends of your wife?
In assisted living, you can visit, bring her home for a visit. She'll have her space; you'll have yours. She can meet folks her own age.  
It's a tough decision but is your marriage worth it?  The dementia will not get better.

[DalesCarpentry]

That is easy to say. Send mom packing. I know she will not see next year. Her heart is only working 30% and she in on oxygen 24-7. She also has Diabetes. She is anemic and goes in for a shot every other week that costs $1,500.00. She has high blood pressure and ostyoprosis. I just know she will not wake up some morning soon and could not forgive myself if I sent her away. Dale

[DalesCarpentry]

Nursing home or assisted living.  I think it is too much to ask of your wife.  You get a respite by going to work, your child gets a respite by going to school, your wife is with it 24/7. As your can see, it is affecting your entire marriage. Can your kid bring friends home to visit? Stay over? What about friends of your wife?
In assisted living, you can visit, bring her home for a visit. She'll have her space; you'll have yours. She can meet folks her own age.  
It's a tough decision but is your marriage worth it?  The dementia will not get better.

You are right. My wife worked in a personal care home for years. She has said that she never had a resident like my mother. She has also said when she worked there that she worked her shift and came home. She says now she is living her job. As far as my daughter goes she does have friends stay over. We have one that we call our adopted daughter. She stays here for a couple weeks at a time here and will go home for a couple days and be right back for a week or two. This little girl has seen the way my mother can be also. Dale

[Graybeard]

Dale it's easy to say you "know" she will not be around that long but facts are you got no clue how long she will last. True she might go today or she might be around ten years from now.

The question you really need to ask yourself is will your wife and daughter still be around when your mom is gone? Do you really want to find yourself living with your mom or your daugher's mom? I think your wife and daughter have put up with a lot from both you and your mom. To ask them to continue this until your mom passes is just not fair to them. My mother lived on for years in a more or less vegatative state unable to do anything for herself and yours might also.

Clearly you have some hard decisions to make in your life but however much you love your mom you married your wife and you and she brought that daughter into this world. Your first obligation is to your wife and daughter NOT to your mom. You two need to figure out how you're gonna pay your own bills with your own income. If as the primary bread winner you can't make enough then it's up to the wife to get a job and help out at least until you can. Depending on your mom's income to carry you thru is bad planning and bad business. If that one shot is taking most of the income anyway how much is her income really helping? Regardless you need to be thinking of your immediate family and that is you, your wife and daughter and what you do needs to be done first for the three of you and clearly you are putting more of a strain and stress on them than you should be.

As adults we have to make some tough decisions at time and now's the time you need to man up and make some. You KNOW what you need to do but seem to lack the will power to do it. Is it gonna take losing your wife and daughter to wake you up?

[rex6666]

Dale
You have got to let you mother go or let you life and wife go. You said you can hunting and it helps
where can your wife go, from what you have said your wife must be a wonderful woman and love you very much, why else would she put up with this abuse? Your wife can only put up with this ABUSE
for so long and she will leave and take the daughter with her, i have seen this before. I think it would be good for both of you to go to some one you can both trust clergyman or whoever, explain the problem and let them help. I had a friend that had a simular problem, he ran a couple of times but
came back, after about 3-4 years he came home from work on day shot his wife and himself, I am not saying this is where you are headed but it can happen if you don't get help. I went as far one time to
load my truck and was leaving, didn't care where i was going, had about 2500.00 cash just thought i would land some where, made the mistake of calling a socalled friend,
well he explained what a sorry, no good weakling i was, and what i should do was stand up and do what was right for me and my family, made me so mad i couldn't leave. I am sure you know what is right and what needs to happen SO DO IT.

[dukkillr]

Dale this is my last comment. I dont think this is a topic for this forum. You need to talk to someone possibly a priest, Dr,Family friend face to face for your familys sake. I wish you luck & God Bless

I tend to agree with this.  This is about the fourth time you've posted something that raised warning flags with me.  I think you and you wife need counseling and I think you may need some type of credit counseling.  I would hate for something really bad to happen and all of us to be looking back at the warnings we missed.  You and your situation are not stable.