On the lighter side............

[sr sawyer]

If I knew I was gonna live this long I would have taken better care of myself

Hook line and sinker

He was so drunk he thought he was ten feet tall and bullet proof

Don't pee down my collar and tell me it's raining

My father in-law at a baseball game referring to batter that struck out a lot,  "He couldn't hit a bear in the ass with a base fiddle"

[roybj]

One I remember from when I was a kid was an exclamation when something or someone was moving real fast.

"going like a raped ape in a sandstorm."

[Cornbelt]

Busy as a fly on a turd.          "We"? You got a mouse in your pocket?            You have one boy, you get one boy's work done. You have two boys, you get half a boy's work done. You have three boys...  might as well forget it.         Livin' together will make you married like crapping in a sandpile will make you a cat.          He's about as humble as your typical dog.

[Hairtrigger]

Slicker than owl S#!@  on a tin roof