drunk walks into..........

[45-70.gov]

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

 

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I'd selected:

 

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb can of coffee

A 1 lb package of bacon

 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that coul dhave tipped off the drunk to my marital status...

 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


 
i  didn't  know  where else to post this  struck  me funny
got  any  similar jokes

[GRIMJIM]

A man is woken by his doorbell at 2 am.

When he answers the door there is a drunk standing there.

The drunk says "Can you give me a push?"

The man yells at the drunk for bothering him at this ungodly hour and slams the door in his face.

Upstairs he tells his wife the story and she says "You should be ashamed of yourself. There have been times when you needed help from a stranger."

The husband agrees and goes back downstairs. He peers out into the darkness and says " Hello, are you still there?"

The drunk replies "Yesh."

The man says " I'm sorry for slamming the door in your face. I will give you a push. Where are you?"

The drunk replies "Over here, by the swing."

[Skunk]

THE BEER PRAYER (probably made up by some guy from Wisconsin )

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be Thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

[Skunk]

STRONGEST MAN

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."