Since I didn't get tar & feathered for my last couple of jokes, here's a few more:
1) A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck but she wanted a fast sports car. He would have settled for any old truck but everything she wanted was out of their price range. She finally lost patience and shouted, "Look! I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up, so surprise me!" Well, he did just that. For her birthday he bought her a brand spanking shiny new bathroom scale. He's still recovering from his wounds.
2) A guy is driving around the backwoods of Tennessee, when he sees a sign in front of an old broken-down house: "Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and brings him to the dog in the backyard. He asks, "You talk?" The dog says, "Yep." After the man recovers from shock, he asks, "So what's your story?" The dog says, "Well I discovered that I could talk when I was just a puppy. I wanted to help the Gov't, so I joined the CIA. In no time at all I was travelling all over the world, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, since no one in their right mind would ever expect a dog to eavesdrop. I was the most valuable spy for quite some time. But all of the world travelling tired me out and I wasn't getting any younger. So, after receiving a bunch of medals, I retired then got married and had puppies. Here I am." The man is floored by this and goes to see the owner to ask how much he wants for the dog. The owner says, "10 dollars." The man could not believe what he was hearing, "This dog is amazing! Why are you selling him so cheap?" The owner says, "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that spy stuff."
3) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying 2 dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, " I'm sorry , Sir, but only 1 carrion allowed per passenger."
4) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to "transcend dental medication".
5) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby, discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour of this, the manager came out of his office and told them to disperse because he couldn't stand "chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer".
6) A woman had twins but gave them up for adoption. One of the babies goes to a family in Egypt and in named "Ahmal". The other infant goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. The husband responds, "Why? They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
7) A group of friars was thinking about raising extra money for their Monastery. So, with the Head Friar's permission, they opened a small florist shop. Since their cause was good and everybody liked to buy flowers, their business prospered. However, a rival across town thought this was not fair competition. So, he first asked the good friars to please close down and then he begged them to do so but they would not. He now had no choice but to play hard ball. He then hires Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town. Hugh proceeds to beat up the friars and trash their store. He also threatened that he'd be back, if they did not shut down. Terrified, the friars promptly did so, thereby proving that "only Hugh can prevent florist friars".
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Critics raved about the food but said there was no atmosphere.
9) Somebody broke into police headquarters and stole all the toilets. Detectives say they have nothing to go on.
10) Boudreaux and Cloteel were husband and wife. Unfortunately, they lived across the Bayou from Clarence, who from some reason did not like them. On almost a daily basis for many years, Clarence would scream insults across the Bayou and they'd scream back. Every time this happened, Boudreaux said, "One day I'm going to cross dat Bayou and knock dat man down!" Now, crossing the Bayou was no small feat. The local Sheriff, wanting to make sure a bad situation did not get worse, had passed a law that forbade any of them from crossing the Bayou in a pirogue (which was the only way to do so) to get revenge. Finally, a bridge was built near Boudreaux's house to cross the Bayou but the law had not been amended to include the bridge. So, Boudreaux tells Cloteel that this the chance he's been waiting for and he's gonna do it right now. About 10 minutes later, Boudreaux returns home with his head down. Cloteel demands why he was gone for such a short time. Boudreaux says, "Me, I couldn't do it!" Cloteel is furious and wants to know why. Boudreaux says, "Well, I got to dat new bridge and was walking across it, when I noticed a big ole sign that said "Clarence:11' 6". Dere ain't no way I'm gonna try knocking dat man down!"
