Author Topic: Elderly neighbor... (Read 990 times)

Victor3 · « **on:** September 03, 2010, 12:35:44 AM »

We have an 83 year old neighbor lady (a very good friend for many years) who apparently had a mild stroke recently. She fell and hurt her shoulder, then got a 2nd degree burn when she went to sleep on a defective heating pad (We later found out that her Son, who lives in the back house, had called her doctor about all this the day it happened. Doctor said to take her to the ER immediately. He didn't).

My Wife hadn't seen her for a few days, so she went to check on her. Found her babbling, scared, dehydrated and in pain. Five days after the stroke/injuries as far as we can estimate. My Wife got hold of the Son's Wife (they're separated) and she agreed that my Wife could take her to the ER. My Wife called me at work to get the OK to do so and stayed with her at the hospital until they got her fixed up and admitted. Son brought her home the following day, put her in the house and drove off. I brought her some dinner, made sure she was okay for the night and gave her our phone numbers.

Next afternoon my Wife went to check on her, found her alone and crying, rocking back and forth and very confused. She said she hadn't seen her Son, hadn't taken her meds nor eaten since I fed her. Son came back later and was a little hostile with my Wife, asking what she was doing there.

Fortunately, the social worker from the hospital is coming by tomorrow. We're going to try to speak to her about what's going on but I think the Son may try to prevent it. We've been lead to believe that he's going to inherit her estate when she passes. He has contact info for her relatives out of state but won't say if he's been in touch with them or not.

We're trying to figure out what's best to do and to what degree we should be involved. Even if we speak to the social worker, what is she authorized to do, considering the Son is living on the property? We're thinking he might put on a good show for her about how he's going to take good care of his Mom.

If she continues to be neglected, do we just call the police or is there a more appropriate agency to contact? She's very afraid of the possibility of being taken from her home, so we don't want to be the cause of that if if we can avoid it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Land_Owner · « **Reply #1 on:** September 03, 2010, 01:09:11 AM »

If you have a few bucks, seek the council of a good lawyer. Your efforts on behalf of your elderly neighbor is noted and the type of kindness that is lacking in this day. You're a Good Man "Charlie Brown".

Her son may attempt to cause you problems. This is when the Social Worker and LE can help in your defense (sucks that it might have to be that way though). The SW's and LE's continued involvement, at your request, is the documention needed to protect you in the event the son gets another case of "Stupid is as Stupid does" and tries to bring the Court against you or worse, take matters into his own hands.

Keep the Faith. I am sure your neighbor is grateful and appreciative for the MANY YEARS of friendship and now, in her most urgent time of need, you are there.

yellowtail3 · « **Reply #2 on:** September 03, 2010, 02:59:37 AM »

Disconcerting. Thanks for helping her Victor3. Hang in there. I don't have advice, but hope for the best here.

subdjoe · « **Reply #3 on:** September 03, 2010, 03:18:43 AM »

Victor, check your phone book. There should be some sort of elderly/senior advocacy group and they can likely give you your state and county chapter and verse on this form of elder abuse. Also check your county social services. If all else fails, call the office of your state legislator, here in CA I would suggest the member of the Assembly.

If she is being left alone like that, it IS abuse.

Old Fart · « **Reply #4 on:** September 03, 2010, 04:19:35 AM »

Social services should be able to help her.
If it continues I'd call Adult Protective Services.

slim rem 7 · « **Reply #5 on:** September 03, 2010, 04:34:48 AM »

very good friends usually make at least passable parents..no comment on her son ,except that she needs apparently help,, other than him..try an find out if she has other family..its time for family to step in an do what we all gonna need ,if we live long enough..try an do this before the son gets her declared incompetent to live by her self..
then its a nursing home for her ..probably with no family visiting her..this is your opportunity to make a big difference in how she spends her remaining yrs,on this earth..good luck ,an may god be with you an your friend..slim
ps. s.s is just gonna possibly send her to the same nursing home . this is families job,if there is any family available..

guzzijohn · « **Reply #6 on:** September 03, 2010, 04:51:53 AM »

Good job Victor3. This is a great example of community. Sounds like the son is a jerk and I would think that adult protective services should be able to interfere. Hang in there for the women, she needs you right now.
GuzziJohn

powderman · « **Reply #7 on:** September 03, 2010, 05:08:23 AM »

VICTOR 3. Good job. Unfortunately these things have been going on for a long time and are much more frequent than we realize. We keep in touch with our elderly friends and neighbors too. Like Slim said, her family is the best bet. Unfortunately a nursing home may be necessary for her to receive adequate care. God intended for families to care for their aged, but it doesn't always work out that way. We will pray for you and your neighbor. Charlie.

briarpatch · « **Reply #8 on:** September 03, 2010, 07:53:47 AM »

A lot of times, the mother, although needing help will not hurt her son. She will refuse to discuss her situation with authorities or downplay the extent of what is going on. Blood as they say, is thicker than water.
The son has control in this situation. If he is not on board with helping his mother you will be able to do little.
What you have done and are doing for this woman is to be commended. Thank you.
i would like to think that if you deal with social services she will receive help.

Oldshooter · « **Reply #9 on:** September 03, 2010, 08:14:47 AM »

Not sure about where you live but We have Adult protective Services, for the elderly, just as we have Child protective services here(Texas). An anonymous call will do the trick if you dont want to be drawn in to the frecus.

Shame on her son! Seems he needs an attitude adjustment!

guzzijohn · « **Reply #10 on:** September 03, 2010, 09:35:42 AM »

Document everything you can. Getting help can be frustrating. My sister and brother drained all of my parents resources because my mother would not say "no". I tried to interfere in every way I could think of. Since my mother would not cooperate social services and law enforcement could not do anything. Several years after my father's death my mother fell. I took her to ER to be checked out. Her BP was something like 190 over 130. It turns out she was not spending four dollars a month anymore on her BP meds so she could give it away. This incident caused adult protective services to determine that she was a danger to herself and I was able to obtain guardianship and conservatorship. I put a stop to the crap my brother and sister were doing immediately. Loved it when my brother got in my face and said "you have ruined my life". He did to himself way before I did.
GuzziJohn

DANNY-L · « **Reply #11 on:** September 03, 2010, 12:58:00 PM »

Sounds like the son needs to go through some pain for a little while to know what its like.

Mikey · « **Reply #12 on:** September 03, 2010, 01:27:58 PM »

Victor: as with guzzijohn there is quite a bit that can be done for your elderly friend. Both Social Services and possibly adult protective services can help. The elderly lady sounds like she could benefit from some home care and even meal on wheels if such is available in your area.

My gut feeling is that the son would rather not spend any of his future inheritance, the estate he will inherit that is, on someone who he feels will probably be dead in a few years even if it is his mother.

But, if she gets her meds and some meals on time and has someone to look in on her or even stay with her to provide home care while she can still remain at home she should be able to thrive as well as possible. One way or the other you should expect the son to be a problem.

You can always contact your county Visiting Nurse Association as well as the Dept. of Social Services for advice and assistance. You should not be afraid to express your concern for the lady's continued health and well being as you consider the son's actions to be neglect (and nobody likes people who neglect the elderly.....). Let us know how this turns out for her, and you. Good luck.

Tommyt · « **Reply #13 on:** September 03, 2010, 01:55:08 PM »

Quote

We have an 83 year old neighbor lady (a very good friend for many years) who apparently had a mild stroke recently. She fell and hurt her shoulder, then got a 2nd degree burn when she went to sleep on a defective heating pad (We later found out that her Son, who lives in the back house, had called her doctor about all this the day it happened. Doctor said to take her to the ER immediately. He didn't).

Thats Documented at least the Doctors side
Your doing the right thing
I did wrong I sent my Neighbor home WI. to his son ad I heard he left him in a room to wither away
I still get a tear when I think of the day, I took him to the airport walked him on the Plane (no 9-11)
and he said with a funny ,sad Face "where you sittin"
The S.o.B son had already got the farm and Hardware stores and didn't have the decency to help him
in his time of need
I wish I could bring it all back I think between myself and a few neighbors we may have got him a Place down here

Stay on it, at the very Least you know you stood up too Bat

Tommyt

littlecanoe · « **Reply #14 on:** September 03, 2010, 02:30:43 PM »

Victor3,

Good for you for caring!
Son may be power of attorney. That would stink but there should be some way to discredit this as he is apparently guilty of elder abuse.
Hope to read of a happy ending for this unfortunate set of circumstances.
lc

Victor3 · « **Reply #15 on:** September 03, 2010, 09:34:14 PM »

Thanks for the advice and kind words guys. My Mother is also 83 and lives alone. I'd hope someone would be there for her in a similar situation.

Social worker came by today and it turns out that she does work for Adult Protective Services. I spoke with her and she's going to be following up with regular visits. We have her number now and can call with any concerns. Unfortunately, she tells me that there's not much My Wife and I can do as far as the law goes. Seems that one has to be near death before the wheels really get turning. As we suspected, the Son told her he's got everything under control. I hope she sees the truth before it's too late.

A home health care nurse is stopping by twice a day. He recommends that 24 hr supervision be provided. We got a list of local services for the elderly and found out there's a bunch of them. 1/4 mile away is a city-subsidised adult day care center with two full time nurses that's open 10 hrs a day. Churches have volunteers that will come by. Meals on Wheels. Even low cost pet care. I had no idea so much was available. I doubt the Son will take advantage of them though; he's acting as if his Mom stubbed her toe and will be all better in a week.

Some of the other neighbors came by today and are willing to help out. With his Wife and another neighbor present, my Wife sat down with the Son and laid out all of his Mom's needs and tried to impress upon him how serious things are and that HE needs to see that she's cared for. Sad to say, he told them "The reason my Mom's been so upset is because of all you people bothering her." My Wife responded "Really? She's been all alone whenever she's had an episode these past few days. You haven't been here, so how would you know?" He started using some foul language, so my Wife was done at that point left.

Anyway, we're going to step back a bit and only get involved if she needs help right away. We'll check in on her, but first call the Son's Wife if we see a problem we don't feel comfortable handling. If we have to, we'll call 911. Hope it doesn't have to come to that, but maybe a couple of paramedic visits will get the authorities' attention.

littlecanoe · « **Reply #16 on:** September 04, 2010, 12:05:47 PM »

To be a bit extreme, if it were an animal that were being abused he would have had charges filed.
It's a shame. Children are often kept or sent back into these situations.
Sounds like Mom has a bit of dementia happening and probably can't speak for herself.
Sometimes it all so backwards.......................

williamlayton · « **Reply #17 on:** September 04, 2010, 01:15:51 PM »

Call the cops---maybe they will take him behind the house and talk to him.
I know this is being monotered but the SOB aught to be killed hisownself.
Blessings

Spirithawk · « **Reply #18 on:** September 04, 2010, 02:39:59 PM »

Quote from: williamlayton on September 04, 2010, 01:15:51 PM

Call the cops---maybe they will take him behind the house and talk to him.
I know this is being monotered but the SOB aught to be killed hisownself.
Blessings

I actually agree to an extent. The son needs a serious attitude adjustment with an ax handle!

powderman · « **Reply #19 on:** September 04, 2010, 05:19:41 PM »

YEP. I had a neighbor in Ill whose wife died and he was alone. Bob was a good man and fine physically and mentally. His only son came down from Michigan had him declared incompetent and got power of atty. He immediately took all the money in the bank and left Bob with no food or propane in his tank, it was winter. I went over to see how he was doing,he was in bed with the electric stove on, he was cold and hungry. YES, he got help. His boy sold the farm right out from under him, had him comitted and moved back to Mich. Lots of scum in this world.
I know an old lady in ILL who was in her late 80s but still cared for herself including the yard and a garden. Her son in AZ had her shipped to a nursing home in AZ and sold everything she had, he rarely visits. She and Mom talk several X a week and she still cries and wonders where all her belongings are. I grew up with her son, what a jerk. POWDERMAN.

briarpatch · « **Reply #20 on:** September 04, 2010, 07:38:13 PM »

Not to excuse, but from observation and experience. We many times, reap what we sow.

Victor3 · « **Reply #21 on:** September 04, 2010, 11:11:43 PM »

Well, some good news...

Yesterday, our lady friend looked terrified when my Wife told her we would be away for a few days. Today as my Wife was packing the car, she came over and gave my Wife a hug and said to have a good time. I went over a while later and she told me not to worry about her. She was smiling and in good spirits, thanking us for everything and crying in a good way for a change!

Home health care nurse had given her Ativan (tranquilizer). I don't know if that did the trick or what, but I thank God for whatever made her happy today.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. Please pray for her Son also; that the Lord would lay it on his heart to do the right thing. His Mom needs that to happen more than anything else right now.

subdjoe · « **Reply #22 on:** September 05, 2010, 06:31:15 AM »

Thanks for the updates, Victor. And more ... bless you for doing what people are supposed to do, look out for each other.

You and your wife are laying up treasures beyond price in Heaven. That whole "For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat:" thing. And, St. James : If one of the brothers or one of the sisters is in need of clothes and has not enough food to live on, and one of you says to them, 'I wish you well; keep yourself warm and eat plenty,' without giving them these bare necessities of life, then what good is that? In the same way faith, if good deeds do not go with it, is quite dead.

Quote from: Victor3 on September 04, 2010, 11:11:43 PM

Well, some good news...

Yesterday, our lady friend looked terrified when my Wife told her we would be away for a few days. Today as my Wife was packing the car, she came over and gave my Wife a hug and said to have a good time. I went over a while later and she told me not to worry about her. She was smiling and in good spirits, thanking us for everything and crying in a good way for a change!

Home health care nurse had given her Ativan (tranquilizer). I don't know if that did the trick or what, but I thank God for whatever made her happy today.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. Please pray for her Son also; that the Lord would lay it on his heart to do the right thing. His Mom needs that to happen more than anything else right now.

littlecanoe · « **Reply #23 on:** September 05, 2010, 09:02:14 AM »

subdjoe,
.......and let's remember James 1. True religion is taking care of orphans and widows in their need and keeping oneself from the defilement of the world. This stemming from the agape love commanded when Christ tells us to love God with all the heart and neighbor as self.

We really do need to see more of this in our self-centered me-first culture.
It's a blessing to see these few accounts that we do.
lc

slim rem 7 · « **Reply #24 on:** September 12, 2010, 01:40:22 AM »

one thing ..if the person has dementia ..many are just put off ,an can t handle or understand how to treat them..
treat them ,as you would any one you cared for..make it a point to spend time withum..
chances are the dementia will become a thicker fog for them ,as time passes..
so enjoy spending time with them as you may come see them one day an realize
the fog is too thick for you to even get through to them anymore.. but try anyway..
my wife would just stare deep into my eyes and i hers ,as her time on earth was soon to end..
i kinda sensed that spirit took over from mind .. i believe she knew things then ,that may have surprised
me ..had she been able to tell me about it..slim