Stop complaining about the screenings and simply do one of the following things when being "patted down":
1) Start doing a slow bump and grind, close your eyes, tip your head back, and moan "oh, baby!" when they touch you down there. Be sure to say "don't stop" at some point. Compliment the screener by saying that this was the best search you have ever had.
2) Prepare some mousetraps like the 3 Stooges used, where if somebody puts their hand down your pants, then their fingers get caught in a mousetrap.
3) Don't wait to get to a screening room, just rip all your clothes off right there at the gate with all the other passengers.
4) Wear several layers of extremely tight fitting clothing, like 20 pairs of cyclists shorts. If they want to play with your privates, make them work for it!
5) Carry a cucumber in a strategic spot, just like in the movie "This Is Spinal Tap". Take it out with no hint of embarrassment when you are challenged about it.
6) Carry a few pictures of Janet Napolitano beneath your undies. The screeners will find them. Dismiss any inquiries about the pictures by simply saying that it's just something you like to do.
