Author Topic: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!  (Read 419 times)

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Offline blind ear

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Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« on: January 02, 2012, 04:46:18 AM »
"paraprosdokian":

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.

There must be one in here that you can use!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish
they were.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

 
If you focus on problems, the best you can get is a lack of problems.  If you focus on assets, the best you will get is abundance.
 
from an email; ear
Oath Keepers: start local
-
“It is no coincidence that the century of total war coincided with the century of central banking.” – Ron Paul, End the Fed
-
An economic crash like the one of the 1920s is the only thing that will get the US off of the road to Socialism that we are on and give our children a chance at a future with freedom and possibility of economic success.
-
everyone hears but very few see. (I can't see either, I'm not on the corporate board making rules that sound exactly the opposite of what they mean, plus loopholes) ear
"I have seen the enemy and I think it's us." POGO
St Judes Childrens Research Hospital

Offline kevinsmith5

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Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2012, 05:28:56 AM »
Liking 23.
If he's carrying a singleshot, don't expect a warning shot!

Offline Ex 49'er

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2012, 06:04:25 AM »
Thanks for the humour. #'s 22 & 26 are really great.
When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!

Offline maddogg

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2012, 02:07:33 PM »
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.

Offline bilmac

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2012, 04:33:16 PM »
What has happened to comedy on the tube. Remember Jack Benny, Red Skelton All in the Family. Tune in any of the so called comedians today and it is nothing but smut.

I didn't know how much I was missing a good belly laugh until the kid got me all the episodes of CornerGas on CD for Christmas. We watch an hour a night, and my whole disposition seems better. Made in Canada. Red Green is also made in Canada. What's the matter with Hollywood.

Offline powderman

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2012, 05:43:24 PM »
BILMAC. Good post, true. We get the old Burns and Allen and some of the old comedies when they had REAL writers. They are still funny. POWDERMAN.
Mr. Charles Glenn “Charlie” Nelson, age 73, of Payneville, KY passed away Thursday, October 14, 2021 at his residence. RIP Charlie, we'll will all miss you. GB

Only half the people leave an abortion clinic alive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAiOEV0v2RM
What part of ILLEGAL is so hard to understand???
I learned everything about islam I need to know on 9-11-01.
http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/
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Offline Tommyt

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2012, 12:32:01 AM »
BILMAC. Good post, true. We get the old Burns and Allen and some of the old comedies when they had REAL writers. They are still funny. POWDERMAN.
I truly miss comedy TV
How about another Archy Bunker sitcom
 
Tommyt
 
 

Offline magooch

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2012, 02:51:36 AM »
Thanks for the list, Ear; I saved it for further reference and study.  There's got to be some words to live by, in there somewhere.
Swingem

Offline blind ear

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Re: Nothing's funny but we need some HUMOR!
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2012, 05:04:18 AM »
Thanks for the list, Ear; I saved it for further reference and study.  There's got to be some words to live by, in there somewhere.

magooch, probably in 14, 17 or 20. ear
Oath Keepers: start local
-
“It is no coincidence that the century of total war coincided with the century of central banking.” – Ron Paul, End the Fed
-
An economic crash like the one of the 1920s is the only thing that will get the US off of the road to Socialism that we are on and give our children a chance at a future with freedom and possibility of economic success.
-
everyone hears but very few see. (I can't see either, I'm not on the corporate board making rules that sound exactly the opposite of what they mean, plus loopholes) ear
"I have seen the enemy and I think it's us." POGO
St Judes Childrens Research Hospital