My lovely wife Marti passed away today....<><....:(

[MSP Ret]

Thanks jdl my friend, and to all my other friends here as well.
It has been 7 weeks today sine I lost Marti and things have not changed, the phyiscal pain is still with me and if anything it has gotten a little harder to go from day to day. As I sit here between being racked by sobbing and trying to read between the tears I am thankful for the input and help of my friends here and yet saddened by the loss suffered by my friend jdl who is going through the same sorrow.
Milestones come and go, January 28th was Marti's birthday and I went to the cemetery and read her the card I bought for her about 6 months ago, I bought it for her because it was perfect for her. I found it while looking a a birthday card for someone at work and bought it and have kept it hidden since last summer  to surprise her with it. Yesterday was Valentines day, I always got Marti something special for Valentines day.
An old friend we have not seen in years came by yesterday with her daughter to visit. She needed a little help and direction with a problem her daughter is going through. I invited them in and after a while she asked, "Where's Marti? is she shopping? Will she be home soon?" With tearful eyes I told her that, no Marti would not be home soon, that she had passed away. The poor woman did not know of Marti's passing. She felt badly and it was especially hard for me on Valentines day.   
I was not going to post to this thread again and thought I would just tough it out, but I have found out that is not possible, as jdl and others here know, this is not like anything you have ever gone through before and you cannot just "tough it out".
I have met 5 other guys who have lost thier wives, to a man all got misty and thier eyes watered when they told me of thier loss, and some lost thier wives as long as 9 years ago. The pain and loneliness, the being alone, even when you are with others, never leaves you, it is always there like a cold dagger through your chest.
Things that used to mean something to me are seemingly meanless now, the hopes and dreams I had for the future do not seem to mean anything anymore, they all were involved with my Marti, and I did not even realize it, because she was there with me. Those hopes and dreams are gone now, gone with my Marti.
Now that my Marti is gone, I am empty except for the pain and sorrow. The only time of peace I have during the day is my time with her bible in the morning and evening, and even then I sometimes cry and sob. It is surreal and the loss and hurt is forever.
I believe the scope and finality of the loss cannot be fully comprehended by we mere mortals.
I sometimes think, and hope, I may be in the middle of the scariest, worst nightmare you could ever imagine. I want to awaken, but relaize I can never awaken from it, I want to, I pray to, but I know I never will....Andy....<><....   
 

[ironglow]

It seems so heavy..but your family here likely needs you.  Do your grandchildren live nearby?  If so, they can be a blessing for such times as this.
  Last fall my neice lost her son (24 yrs) suddenly.. a crushing blow..really took a great deal out of her & her Mom (my sister)..  But though her son was single, her daughter is married and has a little boy about 5.
   That little boy has been a "sanity preserver" for the entire immediate family.  At times like this the little ones can be a double blessing..
 
   A bit of scripture for you..from Philippians 4:
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
 
 6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
⁷ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
 
⁸ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
 
⁹ Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
 
¹⁰ But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.
 
¹¹ Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
 
¹² I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
 
¹³ I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

[AtlLaw]

Andy my old friend, I try to imagine your pain but it is just to frightfull.  Every day I pray the Lord takes me first because I can't imagine living without Kathie.

[MSP Ret]

Thanks again buddies. And for you Richard my friend, a thought. Marti and I would joke about just that, who was going to go first. I always told her that I wanted to be the one to go first because I did not want to be without her AND I am the one that had a hefty life insurance policy (with Marti listed as the primary beneficiary). I told Marti I did not want to have been paying the premiums for nothing.
Over the last few weeks as bad as things are I have thought I would not have wanted my Marti to have to go through what I am going through.
Marti's faith was stronger and deeper than mine,which is finally growing, so she may have had a BIT more solace than I, but I would rather bear this pain than have to have her go through it.
I may be wrong here my friend, I have have made many silly mistakes over the last few weeks, but food for thought....Andy....<><....
 
P.S. - Remember your wives today my friends, give them a hug and a kiss, tell them you love them and do something special for them. Do it all over again tonight and perhaps another time or two throughout the day.
Please do something else special for me today, one time when you give your wife a hug and a kiss and tell her you love her, tell her that is from me to my wife Marti, who is no longer here with me, and I miss so very much...Thanks....

[Doublebass73]

You're in my prayers Andy. You will be with her again someday, in the meantime you can take solace in knowing that she's in paradise with our Lord. What a gift she is experiencing now and what a gift you had being with her for that many years. A lot of people never get to experience true love and you got to have a half century of it.

If you're ever in the Ossipee Mountains area or Midcoast Maine area (I'm there just about every weekend) don't hesitate to look me up, you're always welcome at my campfire.

[MSP Ret]

Thanks my friend, I repsonded in an IM and got your thoughtful message. It was and is very comforting....I appreciate everything...Andy....<><....

[MSP Ret]

To all my good friends here, I want to thank everyone for thier concern, messages and help through this painful time.
Today it has been three months since the passing of my dear Marti. I still miss her more than I can express.
I visit the gravesite to be with her, knowing she is not there and that she is with the Lord, but not wanting to abandon her. A foolish earthly belief but something I do none the less.
When I go there I often pick up twigs and sticks the winter has caused to fall, I talk to her, and I cry and sob. It may sound odd but I somehow feel close to Marti there and it is sad to leave.
Life has continued on and my study of the bible and my walk with the Lord contiues on as well. I am growing stronger and wishing I had done this with my beloved Marti when she was here with me.
My true and only real hope is that some day I will once again be in heaven with the Lord and my dear Marti.
The bible leaves me with questions about the time we will all be together again in the presence of the Lord. I am sure the answer is there somewhere for me, and that that answer is faith, true faith in the Lord.
The world goes on around me, which is good. Somedays I feel as if I wish I could just get off...I will however continue on with God's plan. I am sure he has given me, or will give me, the strength I need to continue.
I hope He does not mind if I continue on with tears in my eyes and with pain in my heart, for those I cannot seem to control, nor do I ever want to lose them. My memories and feelings are so much a part of who I am. I feel as if as long as those memories are with me, Marti is with me. Your thankful friend....Andy....<><....     

[cwlongshot]

Andy,
 Your getting there my friend, continue to fill your days with the good lord and friends. Know that  Marti is always there in your heart, you see her in your mind. Never, for one moment doubt that she is for ever, watching over you. Faith can and will, and does move mountains. May it fill your heart with joy, pease and love.

i am very glad to hear a better "tone" in your writings. Life is for the living and it forever continues.

God bless,
CW